more and less

The Methadone is doing pretty well. I'm under decent pain control with the exception of my left arm. I'm not sleeping well, or at least not more than a couple hours at a time, but I'm making it.

I've been sewing things in preparation for the new granddaughter due next month. I'm workin on her diapers now. Her parents decided to give cloth diapers a try; I'm making the infant size first so if they decide to go with disposables I haven't used as much fabric as I would if I made the full set of older baby diapers. I'm also making myself a new dress. It's a lot like my other dresses but the neckline is less likely to leave me flashing than the other one. My bosom is smaller than some, and the lower necklines have far too much fabric for my needs. I'm hoping this one is more to my liking.

I've been having pain in my right forearm and upper arm for over 2 months now. I went to the doctor and found out that I have a neuroma on the nerve that ennervates my left arm, and the growth is right by my left pinkie. It makes my whole arm hurt, sometimes when I'm just sitting still and doing nothing. Apparently the tumor has been getting bigger and bigger slowly and now it's big enough to cause more pain than I can tolerate on a daily basis, even with the meds I'm on. So anyhow, I see a hand surgeon on May 23 to arrange to get the growth removed. This is definitely not high on my list of things to look forward to, but it needs to be done, and I'll get it done. It's going to make dishes and chicken chores interesting for a while, but at least maybe I'll feel better.
I made a sleeve cover for my left arm so that I can stop picking on it. If the sores heal up all the way that will lower my risk of infection when I have the surgery. It's hard to explain, even to my internest/primary doc, that a compulsion is just that - a compulsion. I can't just decide NOT to do it because I know I shouldn't. She suggested hypnotism and seemed a bit upset when I told her I don't do that. I believe it's opening a door to the demonic and I don't want to take that chance. She didn't seem to understand. She's of the opinion that it can help people. I don't believe that it's an option for me and I'd rather not go that way, whether or not she is happy with it.

When my hubby was laid off in February, I was approved for Prescription Assistance for my Lexapro. It saved an awful lot of money since Lexapro is just shy of $150 a month without insurance. Since hubby is back at work, we won't need the assistance any more, so I will tell my psychiatrist to cancel the prescription assistance and let someone else have it who needs it. There's no sense in using it if we don't need it.

I spoke with a cousin last night. She has nerve issues as well in the same arm as mine. I'm wondering if it's genetic. That might explain the headaches and all. It could very well be.

Other than that, life is status quo. The pain is here every day, and I take my medicines like I should, and pray for the courage and strength to go on and to be strong and to be thankful for a loving family and good insurance and all the blessings I've been given. It could be a lot worse.

I guess that's all for now.

plodding along

Once again I am limited by the medication I take. The new sleeping pill is great. It helps me sleep better than I've slept in a while. However, since it is a benzodiazepine like the Xanax is, I really have to be careful how much, where, when, and how fast I drive or do other things. It has quite an effect on my concentration and reaction time.

I now go no further than the closest larger towns (about 15 miles) without an escort, and when I do go to town, I drive no faster than 45 or, on a straightaway I know well, I can go 50 miles an hour.

The effect on my personality and psyche of losing this part of my independence has been significant but I have realized that I need to be careful and take responsibility of what I do with what God has given me. If that means I don't go tearing off to the mall any time I want to, then that's what it means. I am learning patience - again. I knew I wasn't done with that yet.

I'm also making little mistakes I hadn't made in a while like bonking my head on things, dropping things, cutting my fingertips while chopping up food, and the like. It reminds me I need to slow down and enjoy myself and not be in such a hurry.

There are lessons all around us if we just stop and listen...

I just realized

I'm going into my 4th year with this wonderful disability.

I know a lot more about it than I did, which is still pitifully little.

That is because there is pitifully little to be known.

Without the Provigil, the sleep issues are still right up front. I'm going to try to go to bed here soon and see if I can get some sleep. I have been at least making the attempt several nights a week. The thing is, I've been picking a lot now too and that doesn't necessarily help. If I can't sleep and I go to bed, I tend to lie there and pick. My skin is a mess. It's from little bug bites and cat bites and scratches and goodness knows what.

I see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I had to reschedule last month because of a honker headache. Oh, they're always fun.

The more stress I'm under, the worse the symptoms of the OCD and borderline personality disorder are, and they're not the best right now. Picking, obsessing, procrastinating, self-degradation...That reminds me. In a minute I need to look something up.

The situation with Becky is still bad. The other two and I are getting along, but not necessarily all that well with each other.

It's hard to believe I've been in the midst of this for 3 years now. I didn't think I could handle it before. I guess I proved myself wrong.

med adjustment

Dr. P increased my methadone yesterday. I'm taking 10 mg 3 times a day from now through fall since I'm more busy in the summer due to gardening and the like and my pain has increased a little.

I did manage to drop off the prescription yesterday, but I didn't wait an hour to pick it up. I need to get it next time I'm at WalMart.

I had a few extra pills so I increased the dose yesterday. While the pain is notably better already, I've also noticed a couple other side effects I'm not really thrilled about.

1) I am dead tired almost all the time. I dozed off twice today and spilled my soft drink all over my lap. The first time I also spilled some on the floor. These incidents both necessitated a change of clothes, which is embarrassing. Thank goodness I was at home and not out and about.

2) I forget things. I had something to drink here on the end table by me tonight and went to the refrigerator after doing a couple small things and got more to drink and brought it over here, only discovering that I already had something here when I got to my chair and was ready to sit down.

3) I'm not going to be able to drive for a while at least. The fatigue makes it hard for me to concentrate even long enough to drive to the store. I don't want to take any chances with my life or anyone else's while under the influence of this medication. I can wait to do my shopping and errands until I get a ride.

I'm hoping I'll adjust to this so I don't have to count on other people to get me to the store and back. It would make it very hard to do the things I do on the spur of the moment, like when I run out of thread and go to the store quickly to get whatever color I need and things like that.

Oh well...we live with what we're given.

bad couple of weeks

The pressure of the Mississippi River Valley on my head, and inside it as well, has made the past couple of weeks pretty miserable for me. The pain level on my right side is up from a 4 to a pretty steady 4-5 again and I've had to take 1/2 a Lortab a couple times and I took a Maxalt on Friday, I believe. I haven't had a migraine in a while. I wasn't even really sure what this was and was just trying to cover all my bases. Tylenol, then Vicodin, then Maxalt. Progression of reason.

Going outside even to do the chicken stuff has become a greater effort. It's harder to breathe in the increased humidity and by the time I've been out for say, 10 minutes the sweat is pouring down my legs and forehead and I'm feeling a bit sweaty and wondering if I chose the wrong profession.

I see the pain doc this week on Wednesday. I'm going to talk to her about the pain and see if she'd rather have me back off on my activity or increase my dose from 25mg to 30mg a day to compensate for doing more because I feel a bit more human.

I need to get my iron level redrawn. I need to schedule my mammygram and a bone scan. I need to stop by my PCP's office and get more OAB samples so we can find one that works for me, or at least a reasonable facsimile.

I also need to go to the ophthalmologist and take a sample of my needle and thread and handwork and tell him I need the bottom part of my lenses to enable to do that, which it is not doing right now. I can't thread a small machine needle till like the 5th or 6th try. That's not enough. That's why I got the progressive/bifocal lenses. I need to be able to do this. It's part of my therapy.

I miss my life.

emotional

Some days I am sad because of my illness. It's not anger or resentment, but it is sadness because I am missing so many things that I used to enjoy.

My older daughter enjoys playing outside in the kiddie pool with the boys. I can't do that. I am too sensitive to light to tolerate time outside except when necessary. They even go to the city pool once in a while in the summer. I wouldn't tolerate that either. I remember how much I used to enjoy watching my kids in the pool and playing in the water with them and to be missing that with the boys saddens me.

I miss family get-togethers. Barbecues, holiday celebrations...they all have to be observed differently now than they used to be.

I used to really enjoy cleaning my house and seeing it dust-free and smelling the Pine-Sol in the kitchen. Now I have to split up cleaning chores and it's not quite the same.

It's funny the things we miss when life changes.

not necessarily unexpected

My appeal for the Provigil prescription was denied. The insurance company will not approve it for use to counteract other meds that cause fatigue regardless of allergies or any other reasoning.

Oh well.

It seems sometimes that my life just wants to head in that direction no matter what I do.

However, I am still alive, and still able to love and be loved, and I can still dress myself and go to the bathroom and brush my teeth, and life could be a lot worse, so I will fuss a little and then I will move on.

It's the only reasonable thing to do.

In a life this out of sync, someone needs to be reasonable. I guess I'm it.