day 602

I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll increase my Lexapro so when I see the pain doc in a couple weeks I can tell him it's been done and he'll be happy.

I know the pain doc is going to have a fit that I haven't done the physical therapy but we just haven't had the money to do it for the 4 weeks he wanted it done for. I don't know what to tell him other than we can't afford that much right now. I was thinking it was going to be like 3 visits, not 12...and that's $180 we don't have to spare at this point in time.

I am getting my exercise most days, just not walking like he wanted me to. I care for the chicks, and garden, and stuff like that. I'm out there almost an hour most days and some days it's more than that.

I printed out an information sheet for Norbert on borderline personality disorder yesterday so he can understand about the picking thing. It's hard to explain to people that I can't just stop picking at the sores. It's a compulsion. It's something I find myself doing without thinking. Between the OCD and the borderline, I'm actually almost surprised it's not more than just picking. The sores are getting better though...it's just taking time. The more time I spend outside and doing stuff, the better it gets. They used to heal a lot faster when I was working but I'm not doing that any more so I pick more.

I dunno...it's frustrating for me, too. I don't like how it looks. I'd like to just say I'm gonna stop and have that be that, but it doesn't work that way. Maybe the increased Lexapro dose will help.

I'm trying not to sleep so much, but when I do more, it makes me tired, and I even fall asleep sitting up. The pain doc wants me to get up and do stuff when I feel like that, but between the insomnia and the meds sometimes I just can't control it.

I'm waiting to hear from the Social Security people...that might take till mid-July. I'm just hoping it's good news. I hate the thought of having to fight again to get the disability. We need the money. Where we sit now, if something goes wrong and it is going to cost more than a couple hundred bucks, we're screwed. That worries me.

Oh well...

day 593

I'm in pain today.

I started the morning way too early, feeling like someone beat me up. My muscles are sore. The right side of my head hurts. It's not a migraine hurt...it's an ow kind of hurt, for lack of a better way to explain it.

You know how if you close your eyes tight and squinch them you hear that weird sound? I get that sound involuntarily when I have pain like this. I'm having it this morning and I had it last night.

I've already had a gram of acetaminophen and my Methadone. I'm hoping it will kick in soon.

I was going to work outside a bit today. That may not happen.

I don't like days that start like this. They usually get worse.

day 590

The ringing in my ears, though it never goes away, varies in intensity and volume.

This has been a bad week for the ringing.

It's been loud and obnoxious more often than not, sometimes to the point of distraction.

Usually the intensity is related to how much stress I'm under, how tired I am, or how much pain I'm in. However, the disorder being what it is, nothing is written in stone except it will be there. Variables are...well...variable.

I'm finding it hard to wear the $40 stupid sunglasses I bought that are supposed to fit over my prescription lenses. See, the problem is, my head is shaped weird, and the fitovers end up resting right on top of the frames of the glasses, and it puts pressure on my head, which is not a good thing. I guess what I'm going to have to do is try to save up enough money to get some cheap prescription single vision sunglass lenses in a cheaper frame.

Now to figure out what to sell or pawn to come up with another $100 to pay for them...

I hate listing on ebay because people want rock bottom prices...not even enough to cover the cost of the fabric for the things I make...and then I have to pay for the listings even if the things don't sell. The other sites...well, I'm not sure; they're still relatively new and I'll have to scan them and find a niche not full yet and make up a few things I can put on there quickly that will sell. They are cheaper - one costs $0.20 to list and then they get 3.5% of your sale price, and the other one is free. That's better than ebay.

I just wish people would realize that there's a difference between hand-crafted and homemade. Homemade is good, but it's for cookies and pies and breads and stuff your kids make for Mother's day. Hand crafted means you put thought and a lot of time and consideration and care into the things you're making, and they aren't necessarily cheap to make. Most times when I sell these things I'm just making enough to cover the cost of the fabrics and then make like $1.25 an hour. It's silly. If we lived where there were little boutiques I could take them there, but we don't.

Some day we won't have to choose between the bills and the groceries. I still haven't got the resources for physical therapy. I know I'm going to catch heck for it, but after we paid what we had to pay this week we have no money left until the next paycheck. I have enough for 40% of the mortgage and that's it. Next week we need the other 60%, more gas for the van, and food...and that's gone.

I'm hoping the pain management doc doesn't penalize me for not going yet. I just can't do it when it takes food out of our mouths or puts us at risk of having the utilities shut off. It doesn't work that way. And I'm NOT putting it on the credit card. Hopefully when hubby gets his retirement check from TWA in two weeks, after we pay on the credit card again and get the septic tank pumped, I can pull enough out of the budget to pay the $180 it's going to cost for 4 weeks of P.T. We get an extra check in June so I might be able to do it, barring unforeseen complications. We've had more than enough of those lately for 4 couples.

day 585

I woke up with a headache today.

I was thinking it was a garden-variety headache because I was outside too long this weekend, so I took some acetaminophen.

An hour later I knew better, so I took a Maxalt.

It knocked me out as usual. I woke up feeling much better so I went out and tended to the chickens. I watered the garden and weeded it, too. I'm hoping this counts as exercise. I sure think it does...I come in sweating and my heart rate stays up for a while.

I remember the days of just migraines, as silly as that sounds, and I wish for those days again...at least I had a break between the pain instead of it being my constant companion.

Of course, it could be worse...so I'll stop fussing.

day 584

I finally took the time today to go to the Social Security website and check on how long it may take to find out about my hearing and the results.

They can take up to 60 days to make a decision.

They can take up to 30 days after that to send me a letter telling me what that decision is.

It's amazing how they can demand things in such a short time period from people filing for disability and then they can take the time they want to act on it.

I bet it would be different if it was them waiting to hear on benefits that would change how they lived and if they could pay their bills and obligations without running out of money before running out of month.

Oh well...

Yesterday my head hurt a bit more than usual in the morning but some acetaminophen helped calm it down. I actually felt up to sewing a bit. I got the dishes caught up and went grocery shopping.

My kids may come to visit later on today. I need to remember to vacuum the living room and put stuff away so the little ones don't get into things.

day 577

I've pretty much settled into my 3-times-a-day Methadone routine now.

If I know I'm going to be doing a lot of stuff in a specific time period I take some acetaminophen to keep from getting a bad headache and that works pretty well in addition to my meds.

However, this week I did have 2 migraines...one on Tuesday and one on Friday. The Maxalt did the job - that and some sleep.

Hopefully next week things will be stable enough financially that I can start going to P.T. Last week was tight, and this week I blew a tire and we need a new rider mower belt. We have to get the essentials first. Between that and all the meds it's a stretch sometimes to get it all done before the money runs out.

I'm hoping to hear soon about the disability. We sure could use the extra finances.

day 573

I forgot to take my 4 am Methadone today in spite of setting the alarm and having the pills in the pill boxes.

By the time the alarm went off at noon, it had been 16 hours since I'd had a dose.

I hurt.

It's my own fault...but still, I hurt.

This will take a while to get under control again. I think maybe I'll take some more acetaminophen to give the drugs a little kick.

I've never forgotten to take it before.

There's a first time for everything, I guess...