day 629

The head pain is worse.

It's a different kind of headache, one I'm not used to. It's almost like a tension headache.

The ringing in my ears is a lot louder than I'm used to as well.

I don't like this.

I'm constipated. I don't know if it's from not moving around as much or what, but it's no fun.

I'm sleeping an average of 14-16 hours a day.

I promised myself I'd give this a full 2 weeks after I started noticing a change before I gave up on the higher dose.

Making it to next Tuesday could prove to be interesting.

Even doing simple things like giving the chickens water and food takes all the energy and motivation I have. The dishes pile up in the sink. The carpet goes un-vacuumed. Laundry sits in the dryer for days.

This is not good.

Not to mention the fact that I haven't noticed one positive effect from the increase in the Lexapro...not one...

day 627

Okay...it's been almost a week since the higher dose of Lexapro really kicked in.

I still have increased ringing in my ears.

I'm getting a few more headaches than normal, and they're of a different quality.

I'm dead dog tired.

My hearing is more sensitive.

I had two migraines last week, one on Thursday and another on Friday.

My spelling and concentration suck.

I'm not noticing much benefit from this increase, but I'm going to give it a while longer before I let the doc know and see if I can go back to the 10mg dose instead of the 20mg.

To be honest, I feel like a slug. Everything wears me out faster than normal, which was bad enough. I don't feel like mowing or exercising. Taking care of the chickens is like a herculean effort. I had a sink slam full of dishes twice in the last week and I don't do that kind of stuff, but I didn't have the energy to do them, so I let them sit.

It bothers me, feeling like this, especially since as far as I can tell at this point in time it's not helping any.

However, I will give it a try since the adverse effects aren't enough to incapacitate me.

Maybe it will get better.

I can always hope.

feeling stupid

The increased dose of Lexapro is really kicking in today.

I feel dumber than a box of rocks.

I dropped a clean washcloth in the toilet when I was trying to put it away. I can't remember words, or things I said, and I sit here sometimes and stare at this screen trying to remember what I came to do.

My typing is horrid.

I hope this is a short-term thing.

I'm also getting dizzy if I get up too soon or too fast.

Hopefully as my body adjusts to the medication it will fade or even go totally away.

Ok. Now I can't make any sense. I need to go.

day 621

I saw the pain doc yesterday.

He's pleased with how I'm doing. He doesn't want to see me again for 3 months.

He's already talking about decreasing the Methadone. I think he feels like if I lose some weight and get more active that I'll stop hurting.

The stereotype of people with excess weight in chronic pain is ridiculous.

The pain in my head and face has nothing to do with my weight or size.

However, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I'm just glad he didn't yell at me for not going to P.T. I simply told him we couldn't afford it and that I was getting exercise by mowing 2-3 times a week with the gas-powered push mower on hillside land. He seemed to be okay with that.

Today is a rest day...I hope.

day 618

The psychiatrist increased my Lexapro to 20 mg.

He showed me that he had indeed mailed the letter as I requested, writing it to reflect the SSA guidelines for getting disability for depression.

Now it's just a matter of waiting for their answer.

I've been mowing a lot. Our rider is broken and we need to use the push mower until we can get it fixed. I do an hour or so two or three times a week. I got a bad burn earlier this week so I had to stay in for a while and then this morning I went out for almost 2 hours. I've been taking more acetaminophen due to the headaches from the sun and increased activity. Still, it has to be done.

I'm hoping the Lexapro will help a bit more with the pain.

I see the pain doc on Friday.

Other than that, it's pretty much same old same old.

day 616

I had a mini-meltdown last night.

I'm just so tired of being sick...it frustrates the heck out of me. I used to be able to go, and do, and work, and do more, and I was happy and felt productive and liked my job...

Now I feel...yuck. I'm tired almost all the time, and I am always always always in pain, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the pain doc thinking a 5 is an okay pain level to live with all the time. I'm tired of hurting and not being able to do things because I hurt.

I'm just over it all right now.

I'm glad I see the shrink tomorrow. Maybe he'll up my Lexapro. Maybe that will help.

One can always hope.

day 613

It's another one of those pain days....

My head registers every stimulus as pain in addition to whatever the stimulus is...sound, movement, light, touch...

I hate this.

I hate more that I can't get enough medication to bring it down a little without feeling like I'm giving away half of my life.

I'm tired of living at a 5 or worse almost all the time.

I'd just like to be close to normal again...

But that isn't going to happen, is it?

day 608

I try to remember to write in here at least once a week.

Sometimes, though, it's more redundancy than anything else.

It's been about the same for a month now. I get tired, and I try to get up and do things like the pain doc told me to, but then I get more tired if I don't take a nap, and I'll fall asleep sitting up. I can't be up all day every day. My body just won't let me do it.

I see the psychiatrist next week. Hopefully he'll increase my Lexapro and it will help some with the OCD things I struggle with.

I'd like to do more outside but I'm almost afraid to. It makes me so tired, and then my head...and it's just not smart with the pain I'm in...but I might do some mowing anyhow.

After all, I'm gonna hurt whether I do it or not...