Day 1729 - 3am and still awake

God, I need some peace.  Please.

I'm stressing out here.  The thought of losing my pain meds is making me hurt more.  The necessity of decreasing the anxiety med certainly isn't helping.  If I weren't so sensitive to medications, I could just jump into another category of meds or something and maybe that would help.  However, I am severely limited, and therein lies the problem.

I need, for relief of my pain and anxiety, a combination of medications that has the potential of being a not-so-healthy combination.  In fact, benzodiazepines and Methadone have the potential for making the partaker, well, dead.  Never mind that I have been taking this particular set of meds for 4 years without obvious consequence.  My pain doc will no longer allow me to combine them in the dosage that works for me when it comes to both pain relief and the ability to sleep, as you can tell by my still being awake at 3am.

Okay.  For some reason the "enter" key no longer precipitates a line break.  Hm.  I wonder if this is a new tweak that Blogger has added to assist me in pulling my hair out.

Anyhow, so I stopped the nighttime dose of Xanax that was helping me enter dreamland without a long and arduous fight, and, as anticipated, sleep is now way overdue and longed for.  It's not just the lack of sleep that the med affects...it's also the anxiety I've lived with since who knows when and no longer have the ability to hide at the level I could attain before.

I know in my heart that God is the Author of peace and that He is my sufficiency; my All in All; that He is my hiding place, my refuge in times of trouble.  The struggle lies in the part of me that is still so very human - the part of my being that used to dread bedtime because of the monster that crept into my bedroom and put his hands where no male caretaker should ever touch a child...and yes, I've heard and been taught and read and had preached to me that God can take those memories away, but in His great wisdom He has chosen to allow me to retain them, partly in order to garner compassion and understanding and the ability to identify with the abused, the molested....and I struggle with this every day to one degree or another.  The tweaking of the meds and the pain doc's desire to wean me off my pain meds triggers my abandonment issues.  It also strikes at the fear of mismanaged power that I can hold at bay most of the time; it is not so easy when the issue is my well-being and ability to function as a rational member of the human race.

I am struggling, also, with a deep sense of melancholy and loss....the loss of opportunity that I perpetuated when I decided to marry an abusive man and create three lives that, along with my own, pay for that decision every day.  I love my children deeply, yet it tears at my heart to watch them struggle, knowing that part of that struggle was my choice for their father.  I realize that the concept of free choice is an integral part of becoming part of the family of God, yet, hindsight being 20/20, I also see from where I am seated that the result of my maternal grandparents' abuse of my mother led, consequentially, to their struggle as well.

What a conundrum.   What a revelation.  What a discovery of the absolute necessity of the saving grace of a loving and forgiving God, the Father that so many of us never had.  Without Him I would have no hope, no reason to go on.  I could so easily sink into the melancholy and let it swallow me alive, becoming lost in the hopelessness the evil one holds out temptingly if, for one moment, I turn my eyes away from my God, my Savior, my Hope and Salvation....I am achingly aware of the despair that drives some to suicide.  I am, however, also acutely alert to the abhorrence that would be to the One Who, through His Son, closed the gap between a race of hopelessly lost mankind and His eternal rest.

Ah, my philosophizing brings out my vocabulary.  There really isn't much need for it here with the cats and chickens, and my sweet hubby hasn't the education I have, so we speak much more simply with each other.  Not that he isn't bright or gifted....it's just not in the same areas I am.  Isn't it funny how God does that, pairing us with those who remind us that ours is not the only perspective of and on the planet?  He is indeed a Great God, full of wisdom and patience, lovingly encouraging us to try again and again when we stumble and fall on our backsides, forgetting in our great rush to go somewhere, anywhere, that we must walk before we can run.......

In spite of the pain, the insomnia, the anxiety, the depression, the anger, the sadness, the hesitation....God is God and He will do what is best for me, in spite of my best efforts to mess it all up.

And for that, I am grateful.  Without the pain, or the other associated issues, what, then, would be my  need for a Great God?  If I did have it all under control, why would I require the Master of All to intervene in my life?  What would be the reason for His healing touch if none were ill, or feeble?  Why would He demonstrate His redemptive powers if not for those wallowing in the filth of sin?

I will, therefore, trust Him.  He knows what is best for me, and He will lead me through this just like He has led me through all the other trials in my life.  It may not be easy, or fun, but I will not have to walk it alone, and I will reach the other side as long as I keep my eyes on Him and not the chaos around me...and here is my struggle....and my hope.

It's been a while

I haven't written for a while.

Things have been pretty much the same. I'm still not sleeping on a decent, regular schedule. It's more like a few hours at a time and then in between I'm always tired.

I'm also frustrated. I wish I could work. I'm tired of being close on money and having to watch pennies. The house payment will be late this week. It's only two days, but I don't like being so darn tight. I'd much rather be working and feeling like I'm doing something than sitting here and getting a check equal to one week's gross pay. That just really stinks.

My head still hurts. The past week or so it's been a little more than before, but I think it's an allergy thing. I dread making yet another appointment with yet another doctor; I see enough of them as it is.

While we're on that subject, I need to see a dentist, but with the facial pain I'm more than a bit apprehensive about that. I need to see my primary doc. I haven't seen her in 2 years or so.

The Methadone still has me swelling up. It's a lovely feeling. I feel like a cow.

I'm a bit depressed. I guess that's obvious.

day 811

Okay, so I ended up cancelling again. My head was pounding. I'm going to check out the new doc here who is replacing my old cranky one and if it's not going to work out with her I'll make the appointment with the other guy.

I've been kinda between depressed and feeling driven to do and be and all that junk because of the season and because of the new baby. I'd like to just crash for about a month but it's not going to happen.

Realizing the extent of my borderline personality disorder has been a bit tough on me but at least I see it for what it is and I'm trying to work with it and keep my life somewhat consistent instead of flopping all over the place.

I don't really feel like writing either here or in any one of my other blogs. I'm really lacking that kind of motivation right now. Maybe it's the SADD kicking in again. Then again, maybe not.

I wonder sometimes how I manage to function like I do considering all the crap that I went through as a kid. It's hard to remember a lot of it - I've blocked years and years of my life as part of that psychological protective mechanism process. It's frustrating, though, to think that there are periods of time where I was here, and alive, and being who I am, and I can't recall that time. It must have either been bad, or it would have triggered memories I couldn't handle, so my mind just put them in a box, taped it shut, and stored it on a shelf way, way back in the closet in the corner of my brain.

I know it's for the best, but for how long?

day 767 late

I see the shrink tomorrow.

In two weeks I see the new pain doc.

I am hoping he can take over for the old one before I get dumped. I really don't want to get dumped and be stuck with no pain meds. That could be a horrid mess.

I'm stressing over it all but have managed not to pick hardly at all today. I'm not sure I can explain that but I'll take what I can get.

The clinic in Springfield called and they don't do pain management. How how do you treat headaches without pain management? I can get a neurologist here...and a psychiatrist...and a crappy pain doc...why fly to Springfield to get those and no pain doc on top of it all?

Guess I keep looking.

Yuck.

day 764 - depressed

I think I finally realized that I'm majorly depressed again.

The possibility that I'm not going to find a doctor willing to treat me like a person and help me manage all these conditions I'm in the midst of is overwhelming.

It might explain why I'm sleeping all the time again.

Can't they just do what they went to school to do and be a doctor?

On another note, I'm dizzy. It's weird. I don't know why...or how...no changes in medication or anything of that nature....just dizzy.

2 hours till med time...why bother going to bed, only to have to get up again?

day 618

The psychiatrist increased my Lexapro to 20 mg.

He showed me that he had indeed mailed the letter as I requested, writing it to reflect the SSA guidelines for getting disability for depression.

Now it's just a matter of waiting for their answer.

I've been mowing a lot. Our rider is broken and we need to use the push mower until we can get it fixed. I do an hour or so two or three times a week. I got a bad burn earlier this week so I had to stay in for a while and then this morning I went out for almost 2 hours. I've been taking more acetaminophen due to the headaches from the sun and increased activity. Still, it has to be done.

I'm hoping the Lexapro will help a bit more with the pain.

I see the pain doc on Friday.

Other than that, it's pretty much same old same old.

day 512 - better

The psych doc said I'm having a major depressive episode. It makes sense now.

Tonight I started Celexa. We'll see how that goes.

He also gave me plenty of refills on the Xanax.

He wasn't very impressed with the neurologist's assessment of things. I don't think he agrees that if they drug me up enough I can go back to work.

I see him again in a month.

I hope this pill works. I'm really truly starting to feel like a guinea pig.

In other news, I filled out the papers for the attorney today. I guess they get 25% of back pay up to $5300 if you get approved by the first hearing and if you have to go past that the cap is lifted. At this point I really don't care. I just need to have something coming in besides bills. Hubby's not going to be able to work forever. He's 12 years older than I am. We can't live on just his social security, either. Something has to give. If I could work, I'd go back tomorrow. I just can't see it right now with the pain, lack of concentration, insomnia, and depression being what it is. It doesn't make any sense.

At least we're getting somewhere on the lawyer front. One step at a time...