plodding along

Once again I am limited by the medication I take. The new sleeping pill is great. It helps me sleep better than I've slept in a while. However, since it is a benzodiazepine like the Xanax is, I really have to be careful how much, where, when, and how fast I drive or do other things. It has quite an effect on my concentration and reaction time.

I now go no further than the closest larger towns (about 15 miles) without an escort, and when I do go to town, I drive no faster than 45 or, on a straightaway I know well, I can go 50 miles an hour.

The effect on my personality and psyche of losing this part of my independence has been significant but I have realized that I need to be careful and take responsibility of what I do with what God has given me. If that means I don't go tearing off to the mall any time I want to, then that's what it means. I am learning patience - again. I knew I wasn't done with that yet.

I'm also making little mistakes I hadn't made in a while like bonking my head on things, dropping things, cutting my fingertips while chopping up food, and the like. It reminds me I need to slow down and enjoy myself and not be in such a hurry.

There are lessons all around us if we just stop and listen...

med adjustment

Dr. P increased my methadone yesterday. I'm taking 10 mg 3 times a day from now through fall since I'm more busy in the summer due to gardening and the like and my pain has increased a little.

I did manage to drop off the prescription yesterday, but I didn't wait an hour to pick it up. I need to get it next time I'm at WalMart.

I had a few extra pills so I increased the dose yesterday. While the pain is notably better already, I've also noticed a couple other side effects I'm not really thrilled about.

1) I am dead tired almost all the time. I dozed off twice today and spilled my soft drink all over my lap. The first time I also spilled some on the floor. These incidents both necessitated a change of clothes, which is embarrassing. Thank goodness I was at home and not out and about.

2) I forget things. I had something to drink here on the end table by me tonight and went to the refrigerator after doing a couple small things and got more to drink and brought it over here, only discovering that I already had something here when I got to my chair and was ready to sit down.

3) I'm not going to be able to drive for a while at least. The fatigue makes it hard for me to concentrate even long enough to drive to the store. I don't want to take any chances with my life or anyone else's while under the influence of this medication. I can wait to do my shopping and errands until I get a ride.

I'm hoping I'll adjust to this so I don't have to count on other people to get me to the store and back. It would make it very hard to do the things I do on the spur of the moment, like when I run out of thread and go to the store quickly to get whatever color I need and things like that.

Oh well...we live with what we're given.

day 705

Lord. My head is killing me again. The pain level is still high and nothing I do lowers it for more than a couple of hours. Now the sleeplessness is back, too.

I don't know how people who hurt more than this make it. It about drives me bats.

My concentration is affected. I'm concerned that if they don't get my pain under better control I'm going to have to hand over my car keys and stop driving. I'm worried about getting in an accident because I have trouble focusing and paying attention at times.

I can't believe that they say I should be able to work like this. I know we have a review in March already so I'm writing everything down. This way I have documentation. Maybe I should leave the spelling errors in as well, only my OCD won't let me. I'm fighting horribly with the keyboard tonight. I can't seem to get my fingers on the right keys no matter what I do. Thank goodness for spellcheck.

I can't stay online long anyhow...the screen light hurts my eyes.

All for the best, I suppose...