It's been a while

I haven't written for a while.

Things have been pretty much the same. I'm still not sleeping on a decent, regular schedule. It's more like a few hours at a time and then in between I'm always tired.

I'm also frustrated. I wish I could work. I'm tired of being close on money and having to watch pennies. The house payment will be late this week. It's only two days, but I don't like being so darn tight. I'd much rather be working and feeling like I'm doing something than sitting here and getting a check equal to one week's gross pay. That just really stinks.

My head still hurts. The past week or so it's been a little more than before, but I think it's an allergy thing. I dread making yet another appointment with yet another doctor; I see enough of them as it is.

While we're on that subject, I need to see a dentist, but with the facial pain I'm more than a bit apprehensive about that. I need to see my primary doc. I haven't seen her in 2 years or so.

The Methadone still has me swelling up. It's a lovely feeling. I feel like a cow.

I'm a bit depressed. I guess that's obvious.

blah

Yet another doc at a loss as to what to do with me...

She wants me to go to a neuropsychiatrist and to the Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago. I know nothing about Chicago except that it's expensive. The hotel rooms in that area run $100 a night and up. If the clinic wants you to do biofeedback, you have to pay on that day and file for reimbursement.

My question is, what do poor people do? Just hurt? We can't pay that kind of money...unless we don't pay some of our bills, and lose the house. From what I read about the clinic I'd be a frequent flyer for a while becaause they expect several biofeedback appointments, close monitoring of pain medications and effects, and other stuff like that.

I'm going to check on a pain doc in the same town the new doc is in and make the neuropsych appointment and take it from there. I can't afford this stuff. Maybe I'll just have to learn to deal with it. I just hope they don't take my Methadone away.

well, that was necessary

They decided to recommend I stay as my own payee once I shared with them I take care of all the finances in our home and make arrangements for all appointments, repairs, bills, and handle all the banking stuff.

That was what was holding up my back pay, so it should be coming through soon. I hope so because I'd like to get the new garage door and opener taken care of before it gets cold. We also need a tune up on the van, 3 new tires, and transmission service. I want to get the back windows checked to see if we can get the wiring fixed so they will open and possibly get the air conditioning repaired. I still haven't decided if we're giving the van to Abby and Donovan or keeping it. They have the Suburban so they really don't need it but if the Taurus goes belly-up they're gonna be in a fix again with only one vehicle especially with them living out so far. I'm half-tempted to get them a little runaround car and that way Donovan can drive that to work and back, like it or not, and the Suburban can stay with whoever has the kids.

I still hurt, even after 2 weeks on the new doses of Lexapro and Xanax. All they've really done is make me more and more tired to where I sleep at least half of every day away. They also helped me be able to more easily distinguish what was anxiety and what was pain. Great. I guess...

I see the pain doc tomorrow. If he gives me flak I'll be looking up a new physician. I'm just tired of his crap. I know the DEA is all up his butt and I understand the pressure to some extent but I'm a patient in pain and I deserve to be treated like anyone else with a disability regardless of whether or not the disability is one you can see with the naked eye. I didn't choose to have this kind of pain. I don't like being discriminated against, or feeling like I'm being discriminated against, simply because my disability is invisible.

So now it's time to wait on the back pay and decide how to utilize it most prudently. The garage door is important. It's falling to shreds. It's been repaired several times and won't last much longer and opening it by myself causes agony in my head. Either the van needs to be fixed or we need to get something else, and then that will need repairs, I'm sure. We need to winterize the chicken coop. There is so much that needs to be done...it's a matter of prioritizing and deciding what can wait and what needs to be done first.

I wish I could work....this would be so much easier. Twice the income, at least, would make for more to fix and maintain things with...but that's not what I've been given, so I'll deal with it the best I can. At least hubby is here and he helps and supports me even when I don't come to bed at night for days at a time. He's my rock here on earth.