Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Day 2983 -- almost 3000 days

And time goes dragging on......

and taking me with it, whether I like it or not.

I have my dentures but I can't eat much with them in. Apparently I have a very shallow jaw and by the time they trimmed the lower dentures to fit my mouth, there's no room for adhesive and there's no suction between the gum and denture. So.....if I want to eat solids, I have to take them out.  So much for eating a meal with my teeth in, unless it's yogurt or cottage cheese. 

Moving on......

My dear, sweet, loving hubby had cataract surgery in both eyes. I didn't honestly know -- somehow I missed that when he told me his eyes needed to be checked, that they REALLY needed to be checked. He needed them taken care of. Fortunately we found a great ophthalmologist in Washington, MO, less than an hour from here, and less than 5 weeks from the time we found out about the cataracts they were being dealt with. Now he'll only need glasses for reading and he says he can already see better! Yahoo! I feel bad that I missed the message he was giving me, though....how did I not hear what he was saying?

It's winter and it sucks. I sleep and sleep and sleep and I can't get warm. I'm wearing two shirts -- a turtleneck and a sweatshirt; I have on leggings and a skirt; I have on socks and slippers....and my hands and nose are cold. If I turn up the heat so I'm warm then I can't breathe because the heat steals the moisture from the air.  Oh, how I don't like being me sometimes.....

Pain-wise, things are pretty much status quo. It sucks and that's how it is. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of nodding off during movies and TV shows and (gasp!) I even dozed off at my sister-in-law's funeral on Saturday. It's hard to drive because I lose focus and I'm scared unless I've managed to get some sleep that I'm gonna fall asleep while I'm driving. I don't sleep much in spite of the fatigue because of the sleep apnea and my right heel (heel spurs or plantar fasciitis or both) and my left knee (I need a cortisone injection, which **hurts**) and my sleep apnea.  If I get more than 2 hours at  a time it's like a vacation. Like an epiphany. Like a miracle. I sleep off and on most of the day. 

I've been busy making Christmas presents because this year we are stinkin' flat broke, so my sleep pattern is even more interrupted. Hubby's work decided not to honor his light duty even though they did when he had his appendectomy because people have been milking the light duty thing so he got to pay for their screwing around....and so we are missing several days of work and, consequently, pay for the past few weeks. Last week his check was just over $200. That sucks. Let me tell you how much that sucks when the guy has been working for over 50 years and he only gets $200 in a week. It's aggravating. It's also hard to pay the bills. If it wasn't for my disability we'd be screwed big time. Thank God in heaven for my disability! It pays the bills and we live (eat, get gas, etc.) on hubby's checks. That makes it interesting when he gets a pittance because he had to have his eye surgery done while we still have decent insurance.  We have to take advantage of that while we can. We don't know how long hubby will be able to keep working with his progressive lower extremity neuropathy and we have no idea what the union will pull when the contract negotiations come through this year, so I'm glad we got them done while the getting was good.

I try to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. We're going to sell this year one way or another. I can't keep living so close to Becky and know I can't see the grandkids;  I can't talk to the grandkids; who knows what she's told them about us. It's so frustrating....I don't know how people can do this to family. I suffered tremendously at my mom's hands when I was growing up but I always talked to her. She's my MOM. She deserves respect for that alone, even if I don't like how she mistreated me when I was a kid. I just don't get it. It's been 6 or 7 years since she's let me see her kids, and I don't know if she'll ever let me see them. All I can do is pray. With them living next to us I am concerned it's affecting my health, both mentally and physically. I don't want to go out and do stuff outside if it means hearing and seeing the kids, knowing I can't even say hello to them. It makes my heart ache.  So, we're getting out of here. I'm not sure how far we're going, but we need to get away from this pain. I need to be somewhere that I can look out my window and not see that house over there and know I'm not welcome. In fact they threatened to call the cops if I come over. How nice is that? I'm not a monster! I did my best and it's not my fault it wasn't enough for her. I prayed for her just like my other two kids, and I gave all I had to give. It hurts to know she has that much hate for me and she's holding such bitterness. I pray her kids don't do this to her. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I need to be somewhere that I can relax and not have that constant stressor 2 minutes' walk from my front door.We may have to practically give the place away but we'll do what it takes to pay off the mortgage and get out of here. I'd like it if we could have at least $20K to take with us but if it comes down to it we'll take enough to pay off the mortgage and go free and clear with nothing. I'm prepared to do that if it comes down to it. I don't want to have to rent for the rest of my life but then again it's nice to have a landlord to call when things go wrong and not to have to be responsible for everything that breaks. I'd like it if we could go south this year but I don't know....we'll just have to take it as it goes.

Another novella.....and my mind is still full to overflowing. I really need to start on that book.

Merry Happy whatever. Holidays are okay sometimes but it's hard....if I cook, I'm too tired to enjoy. This year Abby cooked for Thanksgiving and I still had to stay home because I was so tired from driving to the funeral with hubby and my stomach was upset and I hurt. I don't even hardly remember what it feels like to be pain free. We take so much for granted....God, help me see the blessings in my life I miss in my daily walk. Help me appreciate what You've given us. Thank you.

Gotta go put the feet up. They're swelling again.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Update time....day 2851 and counting

So, all the teeth are gone. As of yesterday I have my dentures fully relined and they are in my permanent (I hope!) possession. I'm sure they'll need some readjustment but hey - at least that nasty functional reliner is gone. I thought that thing would be the death of me. 

I'm still hanging in there, but this past week or so I've been on a sleeping pattern. I guess you can only go without sleep for so long before your body demands you get some.  With the apnea and the pain I don't sleep well at all, and every so often I go through a period where it seems I'm eternally tired, often on the verge of narcolepsy, and I doze off every time I sit still. I'm serious....I've fallen asleep while at the sewing machine, come close to dozing while driving, and even fallen asleep on the toilet or while doing the dishes. It's scary sometimes. I'm hoping now that we have the denture issue solved I can go back to the other dentist at the office and check into getting an oral appliance for my sleep apnea. I can't wear a mask of any kind since the facial pain precludes any pressure on the right side of my face and often the back of my head as well, but I did speak with the other dentist in the practice and she, as a sleep apnea specialist, showed me an older oral appliance that might work for me. The thing is we have to save up the money for it first since my dentures drained our FSA as well as using up our $1800 yearly limit on dental procedures. So I'll wait, and save, and hopefully soon we can get this taken care of too.

I'm trying to lose weight, I really am....but I'm such an emotional eater that any kind of stress sets me off and man, has our life been full of stress!
Son's girlfriend just up and quit her job, after he got fired, and left him as the only person supporting the family. He washes windows and barely makes enough to pay the rent and sometimes the electric bill. It's crazy. I don't know what she was thinking. Maybe she needs to see a shrink and get on disability. She certainly doesn't do well with people. Her job was fine; she just got mad because she wasn't promoted fast enough. Goodness!!!! Then there's the fact that JR's license was suspended so now he can't drive - not that they have a car anyhow - so he rides his borrowed bike to his window washing jobs or now, he rides with his new business partner -- so he's splitting the bit he makes with someone else. I don't get it. I just don't get it. She did finally get off her butt and apply for food stamps, but she missed the appointment so I don't know what's going on with that. I know when I saw the fridge last night it was close to empty. It makes me ANGRY that they are letting their kids go without because she's got personality issues.
Oldest daughter Abby is now pregnant with #5. She's working part time in a frozen yogurt shop because Applebee's wouldn't give her the hours she needed, and she was getting doubles, which isn't good when you're pregnant; she took a medical leave from there till after the baby comes, and she's now talking about not going back at all. Finally, they got food stamps. At least now I know the kids can eat. They home school the boys, and her husband has seizure disorder so he's on disability...that family is so special to me...just like JR's. All my kids are precious to me.
Then there's Becky, who still won't talk to me or allow me to see their 4 children. It breaks my heart, and even more because they live on the property adjoining ours. I don't know how I do it every day. I guess I just trust God to get me through. There's no other option, is there? I'd be going crazy otherwise. I can't see how she can be so vengeful and bitter....I pray for her daily, and I pray that she comes to her senses before it's too late.
So that's part of why I'm a bit stressed.

Then there's the fact that we'd like to sell so hubby can retire and we can move but he wants more for the place than it's going to sell for. He's not being realistic. He needs to come down several thousand dollars on the price or I'll still be here when he dies. I get frustrated at times with that situation too. I love him but he seems to think that in this economy we're gonna get tons of bites on a single wide mobile home, which you can't get a mortgage for, and people want houses or mobile homes on a foundation, which ours doesn't have. We need to come down by, actually, about 20K to have a chance to sell, even on such a pretty piece of land and all. The neighbors - yes, I mean my daughter and her in-laws - are slobs, and there's junk all over the place on the property, and it's an eyesore. However, we live in the county, and there aren't many rules as long as it's not a health hazard and there aren't more than a certain number of un-licensed vehicles in the mix. So......that adds to the difficulty selling. I almost wish we could sell it now when the grass is green and stuff - their property looks better now than in the winter.

I'm still on the Methadone and this spring and early summer with the teeth and all I've been taking more of the Maxalt than I have in a while. Thank goodness for generics! It's finally available in generic, which I can get for just over 10% of my copay for the brand name pills. Talk about a difference! The brand names were costing about $135 for 12 pills and I get the generics for $16. Same med - just not brand name. Usually the prices are higher for generics than this one came out at but I think the company knew lots of folks couldn't afford the retail price of the brand name....that, or they got so rich from the brand name they didn't need to leave the price so high. I don't know exactly, but I'm thrilled.

This coming month makes 8 years of being in pain every minute of every day. Wow; it's been that long? It seems like yesterday I was working as a nurse and loving it....and then other times I can't remember what it felt like not to hurt. What did it feel like not to hear ringing in my ears? What did it feel like not to be blinded by normal sunshine? When was I able to open the curtains in the house all the way? I don't remember sleeping for more than a few (4 at the most) hours since I got sick, either. That's hard on a body. Without my faith I'd be mean, grumpy, bitter, or dead. It's only because of God that I keep going, keep hoping, keep wishing for release from this mess in my head/face/nerves....

Yep. That's about it for today.

Monday, February 25, 2013

Has it been that long? Day 2697

Oh my gosh. I can't believe I haven't written in here for a year. Wow.

So I was supposed to have the other half of my teeth pulled this past Friday but we were snowed in. It's been rescheduled for May 9th and I'm on the cancellation list. After the teeth come out and the gums heal, I can get fitted for my dentures. I can't wait till this is over. I want teeth back!!!

It's been a rough year. My dad died this past December and, remarkably or not, I had basically no feelings about it. He was my dad, but he was dad in absentia, and there wasn't really a relationship there. He didn't like my kids - well, except Becky - and I have trouble with people, especially family people, who don't like my kids for no good reason other than they don't like them. He was a sick man both physically and mentally. I don't have many memories of him but the ones I do have aren't the best. I feel bad for him and I hope he found peace with God before he died. I really, honestly, don't know if he did.
It was hard at the funeral hearing them talk about how kind he was to his grandkids. He sure wasn't nice to my kids. He blamed them for all kinds of things and was kinda mean to them. Of course, Mom said he was abusive to me too, so it's just a continuation of the story, I guess. I suppose the grandkids he was nice to are the ones his second family of kids had. They were probably perfect just like his girls were. They couldn't do anything wrong in his eyes. Of course, he raised them. He wasn't around us much and once the divorce went through I only saw him one other time until I was 18. He'd write, I heard, but Mom, bless her heart, burned the letters and kept the child support checks when he bothered to send one.
Oh well, enough of that. He's gone now. I hope he found peace.

I've been struggling with my weight - still - like I have my whole life. It's a constant battle. I eat, and then I feel bad, so I criticize myself, and then I feel bad, so I eat. See a pattern here? Yeah, me too. It's been that way as long as I can remember - as far back as kindergarten, even. It got worse when my stepdad messed with me, jerk that he was....there are enough willing women in the world....why do some pervs have to mess up the lives and minds of poor little girls who are all innocent and stuff? They should be castrated. Seriously. Cut their parts off and let them pee through a suprapubic catheter for the rest of their lives. It's almost comparable to the crap we go through hating ourselves and thinking we were the ones who asked for Daddy dearest to grope us, or worse....and then we have eating disorders, struggle to make friends and trust people, and are basically screwed up until we either get intensive counseling, learn to live with it, or die....

Yeah. I'm a bit introspective today. Yanno what though? This is probably good. I need to get the junk out of my brain so I can acknowledge it and stop pretending everything was fine and it's my fault I'm 100 pounds overweight. Because it's not my fault. I was molested and beaten and psychologically abused and neglected, and I covered my tender, scared, vulnerable little girl with fat to protect her since the people in my life who should have done that didn't do it. I had to do something. And now, 45+ years later, I struggle with trying to unlearn this coping mechanism, and every time I get kinda going on it, something else comes up, and the mechanism kicks back into high gear and I'm at it again.

I wanna do so many things and I struggle still with the judgmental voices telling me I'm not going to succeed; I'm not going to do it right; I should have done it earlier; I should have done something else; I'm aiming too high or not high enough; those voices get so firmly ingrained in your psyche it's almost impossible to get them to shut up. I'm not saying it can't be done. What I'm saying is that it's really hard and you need lots of support and a cheering section, and my small cheering section and sometimes not so strong support people struggle right now to get from day to day, so that....well, it ain't going all that well, okay? I'm lucky sometimes to get from morning till night without wanting to just give up.

But I can't give up. God won't let me. He loves me, and He hangs on to me even when my hand goes all floppy-like and I'm dragging my feet and bawling and whining and having one big fat grand pity party, and He sits down and holds out his hands and then He hugs me and lets me cry and He comforts me and tells me it'll be okay, that He's not gonna judge me because I'm overweight or because I take narcotics for pain or because I only have 11 teeth or because of my thinning hair or because I pick at my sores....or because my youngest daughter won't let me see her kids, or because we can't afford to go on a vacation and I really, really, really need one...He loves me anyhow. He's gonna be here no matter what happens or who craps on me or what breaks or how rotten I feel. He's right here next to me no matter what. And He tells me I'm not a loser and I'm not ugly and I'm not useless or worthless, and it gets into the cracks in my lumpy, glued up heart, and I know for a minute or two again that I'm gonna make it, and I'm strengthened enough to go on and tackle the next battle.

I'm going to write my book and I'm going to have it published and someone is going to read it and be helped.....inspired.....motivated.....encouraged.....strengthened.....and they'll be able to go on for another day because I shared my story. It's going to happen. I'm not giving up. I will succeed.

God bless us all, and hug us in His arms, and love us just because we're His.