Tuesday, April 18, 2006


today i'd like to scream

i'm so tired of the pain and the frustration it causes

the stabbing at the temple, the poking of the cheek, the aching and throbbing and pounding...

it doesn't help that i'm worried about money, and the car, and half the world...

how do you say no when your kids need you? where do you draw the line?

God, i know you're out there, but you seem very far away today

Monday, April 10, 2006

dwelling in semi-darkness

Today is not a good day. I have several things I need to do and I don't feel like doing any of them. I have already put the dishes in the dishwasher and am running a load of laundry. I need to stop by the library on the way to my daughter's house this afternoon to pick up another tax form. I need to stop at the grocery store. I need to weed, and transplant, and clear out garden beds...

And instead, I'm sitting inside in the semi-darkness. I have two blinds raised for the cats, bless their hearts, but the light is half-killing me today. I can't stand it. I'd like to take some drugs and go to sleep but I need to watch the boys this afternoon.

I have to call and cancel my appointment at the pain clinic. If they want to see me like the headache guy did I can't do it. We simply don't have the money. I can't be driving into St. Louis every week...that's over a quarter tank of gas every trip and living on one income makes that next to impossible.

I am so sick of this...and there are days, like today, when living out where we live complicates things tremendously. I can't see going to see a doc, and a shrink, and maybe going for therapy of some other kind, like biofeedback, when we can barely afford to pay what bills we have. The gas alone will kill me, not to mention the fact that the A/C in both cars is on the blink at the moment. Things need to be a bit more stable financially before I head in that direction again.

I wonder sometimes why hubby keeps me around. I feel like a burden lately.

Yeah, I know...I'm depressed.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

on the edge

I've not been sleeping very well the past few nights. I've been tired and grumpy and just not feeling right at all, if there is a right in this mess I'm living in.

Today I gave in when my head started screaming at me and took not only half an extra strength Vicodin, but half a 0.5mg Xanax.

I slept the evening away.

I remember turning the news on, and halfway remember watching part of Wheel of Fortune, but the next thing I knew it was almost 9 pm.

Now I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight...

This is starting to feel like a stinking drama. I can't stop the feelings and/or fears running through my head that they are going to deny me disability, and something's going to happen to hubby, and we're going to lose everything we have. I am so tired of being in pain, and having to reschedule things, and change plans, and not do things, and of sleeping half my life away...

Maybe the shrink will tell me next week when I go see him for the pain center eval that I'm nuts. Maybe I am nuts. However, if I am, maybe they can give me something to help those feelings, too.

I haven't felt so discouraged in a long time. Of course, this time last year I was out in my yard, working my butt off, and this year it takes everything I have to do an hour's worth of yard work, and I pay for it with pain each and every time I do it. I was also running all over creation, working full time, and making plans. Now I'm almost afraid to make any plans. Every time I do it seems like I have to cancel or reschedule or change them, anyhow.

Thank goodness hubby is getting overtime. It will make paying the bills easier and we may even have a little money in the bank by the end of the summer if Uncle Sam doesn't take it all.