Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Wednesday morning - day 2314

I have an interesting feeling this morning. It's like I can feel my hair coming out of my head. I don't know if that describes it correctly, but it feels literally like I am aware of each hair coming out of my scalp. It doesn't hurt - yet. It's rather a sensation I'm not familiar with; something new I'm not comfortable experiencing yet. It's probably just another manifestation of the nerve issues I'm so familiar with now.

On the 27th I see the dentist. This one does general anesthesia. I'm looking to get all my teeth pulled and have a full set of dentures. I have so many cavities it's awful and I can't tolerate the vibrating sensation of a rotating toothbrush. The meds I'm on cause extreme dry mouth, I'm a mouth breather by nature; and, combined with everything else, this has led to my teeth starting to break, chip and fall apart. The only solution other than paying for general anesthesia every 6 months or more often to get them cleaned and cared for once hubby retires next year is to have a mass extraction and have a set of dentures placed. I have to be realistic....we're not going to have the money to do that. I know keeping my own teeth is best but over half of the ones in my mouth need work, many of them major work, and it's not going to get any better. I might as well face it now and get it done while we still have insurance.

I'm dealing with some emotional stuff lately. Every once in a while things from the past come to the surface and I process them to the best of my ability. I think it only happens a bit at a time because I couldn't handle facing it all at once. There's just too much there to deal with in one lump. God is gracious that way - He gives me only what I can handle with His help. It's always been that way. He's always taken care of me. Even in the scary times He was there and he stayed my molester's hand when a certain point was reached....not that there wasn't damage done, but He only allowed so much and then He stopped the enemy from trying to destroy me. I am so grateful for His love and protection....there's no way to put it into words. I don't know what I'd do without Him.

I've gained back most of the weight I lost after my surgery. It's very discouraging. Between the meds, the forced reduction in activity due to intolerance, and stress, I just keep losing the fight with the food monster. It's hard not to eat bad stuff when I've coped this way all my life. It's not like drugs or booze where you can just stay away. You have to eat. And, once I start, it's hard for me to stop. It is my major coping mechanism. With all that's going on in the family, it's really hard for me to eat the right stuff. I guess I need to spend more time in prayer and on my face before God; I know if I can get past my fears and learned behaviors, and if I can trust in Him, I can take this weight back off. We did it together before, and we can do it again. I just need to remind myself of that.

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