Day 2983 -- almost 3000 days

And time goes dragging on......

and taking me with it, whether I like it or not.

I have my dentures but I can't eat much with them in. Apparently I have a very shallow jaw and by the time they trimmed the lower dentures to fit my mouth, there's no room for adhesive and there's no suction between the gum and denture. So.....if I want to eat solids, I have to take them out.  So much for eating a meal with my teeth in, unless it's yogurt or cottage cheese. 

Moving on......

My dear, sweet, loving hubby had cataract surgery in both eyes. I didn't honestly know -- somehow I missed that when he told me his eyes needed to be checked, that they REALLY needed to be checked. He needed them taken care of. Fortunately we found a great ophthalmologist in Washington, MO, less than an hour from here, and less than 5 weeks from the time we found out about the cataracts they were being dealt with. Now he'll only need glasses for reading and he says he can already see better! Yahoo! I feel bad that I missed the message he was giving me, though....how did I not hear what he was saying?

It's winter and it sucks. I sleep and sleep and sleep and I can't get warm. I'm wearing two shirts -- a turtleneck and a sweatshirt; I have on leggings and a skirt; I have on socks and slippers....and my hands and nose are cold. If I turn up the heat so I'm warm then I can't breathe because the heat steals the moisture from the air.  Oh, how I don't like being me sometimes.....

Pain-wise, things are pretty much status quo. It sucks and that's how it is. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of nodding off during movies and TV shows and (gasp!) I even dozed off at my sister-in-law's funeral on Saturday. It's hard to drive because I lose focus and I'm scared unless I've managed to get some sleep that I'm gonna fall asleep while I'm driving. I don't sleep much in spite of the fatigue because of the sleep apnea and my right heel (heel spurs or plantar fasciitis or both) and my left knee (I need a cortisone injection, which **hurts**) and my sleep apnea.  If I get more than 2 hours at  a time it's like a vacation. Like an epiphany. Like a miracle. I sleep off and on most of the day. 

I've been busy making Christmas presents because this year we are stinkin' flat broke, so my sleep pattern is even more interrupted. Hubby's work decided not to honor his light duty even though they did when he had his appendectomy because people have been milking the light duty thing so he got to pay for their screwing around....and so we are missing several days of work and, consequently, pay for the past few weeks. Last week his check was just over $200. That sucks. Let me tell you how much that sucks when the guy has been working for over 50 years and he only gets $200 in a week. It's aggravating. It's also hard to pay the bills. If it wasn't for my disability we'd be screwed big time. Thank God in heaven for my disability! It pays the bills and we live (eat, get gas, etc.) on hubby's checks. That makes it interesting when he gets a pittance because he had to have his eye surgery done while we still have decent insurance.  We have to take advantage of that while we can. We don't know how long hubby will be able to keep working with his progressive lower extremity neuropathy and we have no idea what the union will pull when the contract negotiations come through this year, so I'm glad we got them done while the getting was good.

I try to stay positive but it's hard sometimes. We're going to sell this year one way or another. I can't keep living so close to Becky and know I can't see the grandkids;  I can't talk to the grandkids; who knows what she's told them about us. It's so frustrating....I don't know how people can do this to family. I suffered tremendously at my mom's hands when I was growing up but I always talked to her. She's my MOM. She deserves respect for that alone, even if I don't like how she mistreated me when I was a kid. I just don't get it. It's been 6 or 7 years since she's let me see her kids, and I don't know if she'll ever let me see them. All I can do is pray. With them living next to us I am concerned it's affecting my health, both mentally and physically. I don't want to go out and do stuff outside if it means hearing and seeing the kids, knowing I can't even say hello to them. It makes my heart ache.  So, we're getting out of here. I'm not sure how far we're going, but we need to get away from this pain. I need to be somewhere that I can look out my window and not see that house over there and know I'm not welcome. In fact they threatened to call the cops if I come over. How nice is that? I'm not a monster! I did my best and it's not my fault it wasn't enough for her. I prayed for her just like my other two kids, and I gave all I had to give. It hurts to know she has that much hate for me and she's holding such bitterness. I pray her kids don't do this to her. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I need to be somewhere that I can relax and not have that constant stressor 2 minutes' walk from my front door.We may have to practically give the place away but we'll do what it takes to pay off the mortgage and get out of here. I'd like it if we could have at least $20K to take with us but if it comes down to it we'll take enough to pay off the mortgage and go free and clear with nothing. I'm prepared to do that if it comes down to it. I don't want to have to rent for the rest of my life but then again it's nice to have a landlord to call when things go wrong and not to have to be responsible for everything that breaks. I'd like it if we could go south this year but I don't know....we'll just have to take it as it goes.

Another novella.....and my mind is still full to overflowing. I really need to start on that book.

Merry Happy whatever. Holidays are okay sometimes but it's hard....if I cook, I'm too tired to enjoy. This year Abby cooked for Thanksgiving and I still had to stay home because I was so tired from driving to the funeral with hubby and my stomach was upset and I hurt. I don't even hardly remember what it feels like to be pain free. We take so much for granted....God, help me see the blessings in my life I miss in my daily walk. Help me appreciate what You've given us. Thank you.

Gotta go put the feet up. They're swelling again.