Tuesday, April 04, 2006

on the edge

I've not been sleeping very well the past few nights. I've been tired and grumpy and just not feeling right at all, if there is a right in this mess I'm living in.

Today I gave in when my head started screaming at me and took not only half an extra strength Vicodin, but half a 0.5mg Xanax.

I slept the evening away.

I remember turning the news on, and halfway remember watching part of Wheel of Fortune, but the next thing I knew it was almost 9 pm.

Now I wonder if I'll be able to sleep tonight...

This is starting to feel like a stinking drama. I can't stop the feelings and/or fears running through my head that they are going to deny me disability, and something's going to happen to hubby, and we're going to lose everything we have. I am so tired of being in pain, and having to reschedule things, and change plans, and not do things, and of sleeping half my life away...

Maybe the shrink will tell me next week when I go see him for the pain center eval that I'm nuts. Maybe I am nuts. However, if I am, maybe they can give me something to help those feelings, too.

I haven't felt so discouraged in a long time. Of course, this time last year I was out in my yard, working my butt off, and this year it takes everything I have to do an hour's worth of yard work, and I pay for it with pain each and every time I do it. I was also running all over creation, working full time, and making plans. Now I'm almost afraid to make any plans. Every time I do it seems like I have to cancel or reschedule or change them, anyhow.

Thank goodness hubby is getting overtime. It will make paying the bills easier and we may even have a little money in the bank by the end of the summer if Uncle Sam doesn't take it all.

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