Friday, June 27, 2008

pain, pain go away

I've had this increased pain thing going on for a couple days. My right jaw hurts and I'm getting the icepick stabbing sensations either in the upper part of my jaw or in my right eye as well. Last night I had to sleep in the recliner because I couldn't lay down. Laying down increases blood flow to the brain and when I'm hurting like this that is one of the last things I need. I wanted to go grocery shopping but had to accept that this is not one of the days I'm safe going alone.

I go in cycles with my sleep. For a few weeks I won't sleep more than an hour or two a day or night....everything is all fractionated and I just get all whacked out. I fall asleep quickly and wake back up just as quickly.
After a few weeks like this I then switch into a mode where I can't get enough sleep. That is where I am now. It started on Monday, I think. All I want to do is sleep. I sleep most of the day and then sleep at night for a few hours, too. I'm tired, tired, tired. I know it's because I've been so sleep deprived that my body is screaming for rest. It's frustrating; another thing to add to the list, I suppose.

It hurts to keep my eyes open.

It hurts to close them.

It hurts to sit up.

It hurts to lie down.

It hurts to recline.

If I don't keep my feet up, my feet swell from the Methadone.

If I do keep them up, I fall asleep.

I've gained back probably 60 pounds of the 100 I lost after my gastric bypass surgery. It breaks my heart. It's hard to exercise because it hurts me to do aerobics and there's not really enough room in here to walk around a lot. Exercising outside is out of the question because of my allergies. I'd like to get a treadmill but I'm hesitant to spend the money in case I don't use it and it ends up gathering dust. I'd like to think I'd be faithful with it. It would at least give me an option here in the house.

I'm just feeling frustrated right now. I'm frustrated because I'm sick and I can't work as a nurse and my husband has to work so hard like he's done all his life just when he was looking forward to retirement. I'm frustrated because my schedule is all upside down and I need to clean but I just don't have the energy. I'm frustrated because this is not my dream. My dream was paying off the house early so hubby could retire and us taking some time to enjoy our lives together instead of struggling day to day like we have since we were young, each of us on our own paths.

I think sometimes for some people it's easy but I've never been there and I probably wouldn't know what to do if I was. My whole life has been a struggle and it certainly doesn't look like it's going to stop now.

I think those of us who have to fight for every forward step appreciate it more. It means more if you can't just go do it.

I need a vacation. An offensive odor free, noise free, half clothed implant loaded body free, alcohol free, smoke free, quiet, moderately dark, soft sheet, gentle breeze, water lapping on the shore kind of vacation.

I don't know if they even make those kinds of vacations unless you're rich, which we're not.

Ah can dream.

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