Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 1729 - 3am and still awake

God, I need some peace.  Please.

I'm stressing out here.  The thought of losing my pain meds is making me hurt more.  The necessity of decreasing the anxiety med certainly isn't helping.  If I weren't so sensitive to medications, I could just jump into another category of meds or something and maybe that would help.  However, I am severely limited, and therein lies the problem.

I need, for relief of my pain and anxiety, a combination of medications that has the potential of being a not-so-healthy combination.  In fact, benzodiazepines and Methadone have the potential for making the partaker, well, dead.  Never mind that I have been taking this particular set of meds for 4 years without obvious consequence.  My pain doc will no longer allow me to combine them in the dosage that works for me when it comes to both pain relief and the ability to sleep, as you can tell by my still being awake at 3am.

Okay.  For some reason the "enter" key no longer precipitates a line break.  Hm.  I wonder if this is a new tweak that Blogger has added to assist me in pulling my hair out.

Anyhow, so I stopped the nighttime dose of Xanax that was helping me enter dreamland without a long and arduous fight, and, as anticipated, sleep is now way overdue and longed for.  It's not just the lack of sleep that the med's also the anxiety I've lived with since who knows when and no longer have the ability to hide at the level I could attain before.

I know in my heart that God is the Author of peace and that He is my sufficiency; my All in All; that He is my hiding place, my refuge in times of trouble.  The struggle lies in the part of me that is still so very human - the part of my being that used to dread bedtime because of the monster that crept into my bedroom and put his hands where no male caretaker should ever touch a child...and yes, I've heard and been taught and read and had preached to me that God can take those memories away, but in His great wisdom He has chosen to allow me to retain them, partly in order to garner compassion and understanding and the ability to identify with the abused, the molested....and I struggle with this every day to one degree or another.  The tweaking of the meds and the pain doc's desire to wean me off my pain meds triggers my abandonment issues.  It also strikes at the fear of mismanaged power that I can hold at bay most of the time; it is not so easy when the issue is my well-being and ability to function as a rational member of the human race.

I am struggling, also, with a deep sense of melancholy and loss....the loss of opportunity that I perpetuated when I decided to marry an abusive man and create three lives that, along with my own, pay for that decision every day.  I love my children deeply, yet it tears at my heart to watch them struggle, knowing that part of that struggle was my choice for their father.  I realize that the concept of free choice is an integral part of becoming part of the family of God, yet, hindsight being 20/20, I also see from where I am seated that the result of my maternal grandparents' abuse of my mother led, consequentially, to their struggle as well.

What a conundrum.   What a revelation.  What a discovery of the absolute necessity of the saving grace of a loving and forgiving God, the Father that so many of us never had.  Without Him I would have no hope, no reason to go on.  I could so easily sink into the melancholy and let it swallow me alive, becoming lost in the hopelessness the evil one holds out temptingly if, for one moment, I turn my eyes away from my God, my Savior, my Hope and Salvation....I am achingly aware of the despair that drives some to suicide.  I am, however, also acutely alert to the abhorrence that would be to the One Who, through His Son, closed the gap between a race of hopelessly lost mankind and His eternal rest.

Ah, my philosophizing brings out my vocabulary.  There really isn't much need for it here with the cats and chickens, and my sweet hubby hasn't the education I have, so we speak much more simply with each other.  Not that he isn't bright or's just not in the same areas I am.  Isn't it funny how God does that, pairing us with those who remind us that ours is not the only perspective of and on the planet?  He is indeed a Great God, full of wisdom and patience, lovingly encouraging us to try again and again when we stumble and fall on our backsides, forgetting in our great rush to go somewhere, anywhere, that we must walk before we can run.......

In spite of the pain, the insomnia, the anxiety, the depression, the anger, the sadness, the hesitation....God is God and He will do what is best for me, in spite of my best efforts to mess it all up.

And for that, I am grateful.  Without the pain, or the other associated issues, what, then, would be my  need for a Great God?  If I did have it all under control, why would I require the Master of All to intervene in my life?  What would be the reason for His healing touch if none were ill, or feeble?  Why would He demonstrate His redemptive powers if not for those wallowing in the filth of sin?

I will, therefore, trust Him.  He knows what is best for me, and He will lead me through this just like He has led me through all the other trials in my life.  It may not be easy, or fun, but I will not have to walk it alone, and I will reach the other side as long as I keep my eyes on Him and not the chaos around me...and here is my struggle....and my hope.

1 comment:

WinnyNinny PooPoo said...

There are tons of medications that safely replace your Xanax and maybe be as effective as methadone for pain management. Hoping your physician has the know how to get it safely regulated for you

I feel for you having spent many nights at 3 am in pain feeling desparate.

Hoping you are able to dream your way through your trauma and be able to discard it. I kept a dream diary for that purposes and once written down the bad dreams didn't come again. wishing you peace!