God, I need some peace. Please.
I'm stressing out here. The thought of losing my pain meds is making me hurt more. The necessity of decreasing the anxiety med certainly isn't helping. If I weren't so sensitive to medications, I could just jump into another category of meds or something and maybe that would help. However, I am severely limited, and therein lies the problem.
I need, for relief of my pain and anxiety, a combination of medications that has the potential of being a not-so-healthy combination. In fact, benzodiazepines and Methadone have the potential for making the partaker, well, dead. Never mind that I have been taking this particular set of meds for 4 years without obvious consequence. My pain doc will no longer allow me to combine them in the dosage that works for me when it comes to both pain relief and the ability to sleep, as you can tell by my still being awake at 3am.
Okay. For some reason the "enter" key no longer precipitates a line break. Hm. I wonder if this is a new tweak that Blogger has added to assist me in pulling my hair out.
Anyhow, so I stopped the nighttime dose of Xanax that was helping me enter dreamland without a long and arduous fight, and, as anticipated, sleep is now way overdue and longed for. It's not just the lack of sleep that the med affects...it's also the anxiety I've lived with since who knows when and no longer have the ability to hide at the level I could attain before.
I know in my heart that God is the Author of peace and that He is my sufficiency; my All in All; that He is my hiding place, my refuge in times of trouble. The struggle lies in the part of me that is still so very human - the part of my being that used to dread bedtime because of the monster that crept into my bedroom and put his hands where no male caretaker should ever touch a child...and yes, I've heard and been taught and read and had preached to me that God can take those memories away, but in His great wisdom He has chosen to allow me to retain them, partly in order to garner compassion and understanding and the ability to identify with the abused, the molested....and I struggle with this every day to one degree or another. The tweaking of the meds and the pain doc's desire to wean me off my pain meds triggers my abandonment issues. It also strikes at the fear of mismanaged power that I can hold at bay most of the time; it is not so easy when the issue is my well-being and ability to function as a rational member of the human race.
I am struggling, also, with a deep sense of melancholy and loss....the loss of opportunity that I perpetuated when I decided to marry an abusive man and create three lives that, along with my own, pay for that decision every day. I love my children deeply, yet it tears at my heart to watch them struggle, knowing that part of that struggle was my choice for their father. I realize that the concept of free choice is an integral part of becoming part of the family of God, yet, hindsight being 20/20, I also see from where I am seated that the result of my maternal grandparents' abuse of my mother led, consequentially, to their struggle as well.
What a conundrum. What a revelation. What a discovery of the absolute necessity of the saving grace of a loving and forgiving God, the Father that so many of us never had. Without Him I would have no hope, no reason to go on. I could so easily sink into the melancholy and let it swallow me alive, becoming lost in the hopelessness the evil one holds out temptingly if, for one moment, I turn my eyes away from my God, my Savior, my Hope and Salvation....I am achingly aware of the despair that drives some to suicide. I am, however, also acutely alert to the abhorrence that would be to the One Who, through His Son, closed the gap between a race of hopelessly lost mankind and His eternal rest.
Ah, my philosophizing brings out my vocabulary. There really isn't much need for it here with the cats and chickens, and my sweet hubby hasn't the education I have, so we speak much more simply with each other. Not that he isn't bright or gifted....it's just not in the same areas I am. Isn't it funny how God does that, pairing us with those who remind us that ours is not the only perspective of and on the planet? He is indeed a Great God, full of wisdom and patience, lovingly encouraging us to try again and again when we stumble and fall on our backsides, forgetting in our great rush to go somewhere, anywhere, that we must walk before we can run.......
In spite of the pain, the insomnia, the anxiety, the depression, the anger, the sadness, the hesitation....God is God and He will do what is best for me, in spite of my best efforts to mess it all up.
And for that, I am grateful. Without the pain, or the other associated issues, what, then, would be my need for a Great God? If I did have it all under control, why would I require the Master of All to intervene in my life? What would be the reason for His healing touch if none were ill, or feeble? Why would He demonstrate His redemptive powers if not for those wallowing in the filth of sin?
I will, therefore, trust Him. He knows what is best for me, and He will lead me through this just like He has led me through all the other trials in my life. It may not be easy, or fun, but I will not have to walk it alone, and I will reach the other side as long as I keep my eyes on Him and not the chaos around me...and here is my struggle....and my hope.
Showing posts with label medications. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medications. Show all posts
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
Trying to lessen the pain
Well, when I went to see the pain doc last week he increased my Methadone to 40mg a day instead of 30mg. Now for me, this is a significant increase. I usually only increase by 5mg at a time. I asked him if I could do 35 instead but he really wanted me to do 40; I started the full 40mg dose on Thursday and have noticed a significant leveling off in the pain. It's not a lot less, but it's better than it was when I had to take the Vicodin almost every day. The pain doc was concerned, and rightfully so, about me building a tolerance to Vicodin since it's my primary breakthrough medication, so he wanted me to be taking enough Methadone that I wouldn't have to take breakthrough meds unless things get really bad.
I've been sleeping more, though still erratically. Oh well - I guess we can't have everything, can we? It's still frustrating as heck to be asleep off and on all the time instead of going to bed like normal people do and sleeping at night/being awake in the daytime. I doze off all the time, which is very frustrating. I should be used to it but I'm not. Maybe now that my pain is better controlled this will help.
I haven't driven since Tuesday. I don't drive for about 2 weeks after a med change. This helps me have time to adjust to the med increase and the accompanying brain fuzziness before I put myself behind the wheel of a car.
I see my psychiatrist and neurologist this coming week. I'm supposed to find out about the sleep study. I also want to talk to my shrink about my increased anxiety. I've been stress eating and I've gained more weight than I am even close to comfortable about. I've been picking more, bleeding more, and fretting more. I've rarely stopped humming for almost a month now. I can't figure that one out. I just hum and hum. Weird......
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
I've been sleeping more, though still erratically. Oh well - I guess we can't have everything, can we? It's still frustrating as heck to be asleep off and on all the time instead of going to bed like normal people do and sleeping at night/being awake in the daytime. I doze off all the time, which is very frustrating. I should be used to it but I'm not. Maybe now that my pain is better controlled this will help.
I haven't driven since Tuesday. I don't drive for about 2 weeks after a med change. This helps me have time to adjust to the med increase and the accompanying brain fuzziness before I put myself behind the wheel of a car.
I see my psychiatrist and neurologist this coming week. I'm supposed to find out about the sleep study. I also want to talk to my shrink about my increased anxiety. I've been stress eating and I've gained more weight than I am even close to comfortable about. I've been picking more, bleeding more, and fretting more. I've rarely stopped humming for almost a month now. I can't figure that one out. I just hum and hum. Weird......
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....
Sunday, November 08, 2009
flu, strep or just a bad cold?
I don't like having what I have.
I'm not sure if it's the pig flu or strep or what, but I'm exhausted; my ankle swelling will not go down no matter what I do; I have a dry and scratchy throat; I'm coughing up lovely green-yellow small chunks of gak; and I could sleep till 2011 if I didn't have to go to the bathroom so much.
It started earlier this week with a scratchy throat. It was Monday, I remember, because hubby and I had obtained tickets to Celtic Thunder and I decided we were going barring anything short of a nuclear accident. It was followed by dryness to the point of painful swallowing. I didn't have a fever and my lymph glands weren't swollen, so I thought it was probably Mr. Pig in the flesh coming for a visit.
Now I've got the throat thing, the cough, the hocking up icky stuff, and - as usual with any irritation to my head or neck or any combination thereof, the tinnitus is nice and loud just in case I forget it's there while I'm focusing on how rotten I feel. I have a negative value of energy at this point. Yesterday I dozed off eating chicken noodle soup and spilled some on my lap. Today I spilled a small amount of diet soda on the thankfully sealed keyboard - yep, dozed off again. It seems that I can never get enough sleep. This isn't how I envisioned my life would be when I hit 49, but here we are.
I cancelled 3 appointments this week so I'll have to make them up. One will be Monday with the primary doc and since hubby has it now as well, and he has his regular diabetic checkup, we'll just hit her up all at once. I was supposed to see my surgeon today and once hubby got me awake enough to dial the phone and understand what I was doing, I called and rescheduled that one as well.
This is year 5 with my obnoxious visitor. Had you asked me in the beginning of 2004 I'd have told you that by 2010 we'd have the house paid off and own it outright so hubby could retire and spend some time working for himself instead of having to go punch a clock. We'd have my hospital insurance and I'd be enjoying the job I had just started 3 1/2 months before this hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking me out of the workforce and to the fringes of society as well.
I've learned a lot about the medical profession after spending 4+ years on this side of the fence. I had, like probably most medical professionals, a tainted view of how we treated patients. I found out really quickly that if you don't physically possess a disorder that shows that your body should be in pain, you will be looked on as a drug addict and/or drug seeker, as someone who is a whiner and wants to escape reality, and as a slacker who wants to live off the government. Even people who knew you when you were well won't believe you are in the pain you say you're in. I was ashamed to have been a nurse for so long when I was on the receiving end of some of the most rude, degrading, downright hateful treatment I've had in my adult life. I've been refused treatment and labeled as a drug-seeker by the hospital closest to our home. I had a headache doctor drop me because I had a period of time, before the pain was under control, where riding for an hour to his office to wait and spend half an hour there before the hour's ride back was just flat too much...he said I missed too many appointments. I also had to reschedule a lumbar puncture due to the pain he obviously had no intention of even desiring to understand, and the hospital got upset too. Now this is a hospital that was started by a nun who wanted all people to receive compassionate care. I dare say she'd have been a bit upset at how I was treated. When I was put on narcotics for pain control and had to have the obligatory psychiatrist's management and diagnoses, and my neurologist found out I had an anxiety disorder, he was all of a sudden convinced that my whole problem was because of the anxiety and he basically wrote me off. This was the same doctor whose wife I cared for while she was dying. The family liked how I cared for her, and he had seemed to be a caring doctor till he saw those words; it was like the lights had gone out in his brain after that.
It amazes me how those of us with invisible diagnoses are treated, not only by the general public, but by the medical profession. Honestly, they should be ashamed of themselves. We are taught that pain is subjective, and that if a patient says they are in pain, they are in pain. Not so. If the care provider thinks the patient is a nut, or a drug seeker, or both, they treat you like a liar, a drug addict, a piece of garbage to be swept out the door with the rest of the trash. It's a poor reflection on the American health care system. It's appalling.
It seems I'm on a rant. At least it's making me feel better.
I've gained back most of the weight I lost with my gastric bypass surgery. Part of it is enforced lack of activity. Exercise causes pain because of the constant motion. The sound of the video, turned up loud enough to hear, causes pain. The glare from the TV hurts. The other thing is that the medications I'm on can cause edema and increased appetite. I promised myself when I had the surgery that I'd not gain the weight back.
I lied.
I'm disappointed in myself even though I know it's not all my fault. I know I'm a stress-eater and the ten years we've been married has had relatively few stress-free months. Accidents, storm issues, a tornado, an estranged daughter and family, the breakup of my son's marriage, job losses and gains, a son and a son-in-law now diagnosed with seizure disorder, a grandson who had just turned 2 and had meningitis, possible encephalitis, and we weren't sure if he was going to make it...now a granddaughter born to my still-married son and his girlfriend while the children from his marriage live with his estranged wife's two sets of parents...
Still, I should be able to relax and slow down on the eating. The fact of the matter is, I can't. It is a well-entrenched coping mechanism I've learned and learned well in my almost 50 years on this planet.
Eh, I'm done for now. Time to go put my feet up and read the captioning on the TV for a while.
I'm not sure if it's the pig flu or strep or what, but I'm exhausted; my ankle swelling will not go down no matter what I do; I have a dry and scratchy throat; I'm coughing up lovely green-yellow small chunks of gak; and I could sleep till 2011 if I didn't have to go to the bathroom so much.
It started earlier this week with a scratchy throat. It was Monday, I remember, because hubby and I had obtained tickets to Celtic Thunder and I decided we were going barring anything short of a nuclear accident. It was followed by dryness to the point of painful swallowing. I didn't have a fever and my lymph glands weren't swollen, so I thought it was probably Mr. Pig in the flesh coming for a visit.
Now I've got the throat thing, the cough, the hocking up icky stuff, and - as usual with any irritation to my head or neck or any combination thereof, the tinnitus is nice and loud just in case I forget it's there while I'm focusing on how rotten I feel. I have a negative value of energy at this point. Yesterday I dozed off eating chicken noodle soup and spilled some on my lap. Today I spilled a small amount of diet soda on the thankfully sealed keyboard - yep, dozed off again. It seems that I can never get enough sleep. This isn't how I envisioned my life would be when I hit 49, but here we are.
I cancelled 3 appointments this week so I'll have to make them up. One will be Monday with the primary doc and since hubby has it now as well, and he has his regular diabetic checkup, we'll just hit her up all at once. I was supposed to see my surgeon today and once hubby got me awake enough to dial the phone and understand what I was doing, I called and rescheduled that one as well.
This is year 5 with my obnoxious visitor. Had you asked me in the beginning of 2004 I'd have told you that by 2010 we'd have the house paid off and own it outright so hubby could retire and spend some time working for himself instead of having to go punch a clock. We'd have my hospital insurance and I'd be enjoying the job I had just started 3 1/2 months before this hit me like a ton of bricks, knocking me out of the workforce and to the fringes of society as well.
I've learned a lot about the medical profession after spending 4+ years on this side of the fence. I had, like probably most medical professionals, a tainted view of how we treated patients. I found out really quickly that if you don't physically possess a disorder that shows that your body should be in pain, you will be looked on as a drug addict and/or drug seeker, as someone who is a whiner and wants to escape reality, and as a slacker who wants to live off the government. Even people who knew you when you were well won't believe you are in the pain you say you're in. I was ashamed to have been a nurse for so long when I was on the receiving end of some of the most rude, degrading, downright hateful treatment I've had in my adult life. I've been refused treatment and labeled as a drug-seeker by the hospital closest to our home. I had a headache doctor drop me because I had a period of time, before the pain was under control, where riding for an hour to his office to wait and spend half an hour there before the hour's ride back was just flat too much...he said I missed too many appointments. I also had to reschedule a lumbar puncture due to the pain he obviously had no intention of even desiring to understand, and the hospital got upset too. Now this is a hospital that was started by a nun who wanted all people to receive compassionate care. I dare say she'd have been a bit upset at how I was treated. When I was put on narcotics for pain control and had to have the obligatory psychiatrist's management and diagnoses, and my neurologist found out I had an anxiety disorder, he was all of a sudden convinced that my whole problem was because of the anxiety and he basically wrote me off. This was the same doctor whose wife I cared for while she was dying. The family liked how I cared for her, and he had seemed to be a caring doctor till he saw those words; it was like the lights had gone out in his brain after that.
It amazes me how those of us with invisible diagnoses are treated, not only by the general public, but by the medical profession. Honestly, they should be ashamed of themselves. We are taught that pain is subjective, and that if a patient says they are in pain, they are in pain. Not so. If the care provider thinks the patient is a nut, or a drug seeker, or both, they treat you like a liar, a drug addict, a piece of garbage to be swept out the door with the rest of the trash. It's a poor reflection on the American health care system. It's appalling.
It seems I'm on a rant. At least it's making me feel better.
I've gained back most of the weight I lost with my gastric bypass surgery. Part of it is enforced lack of activity. Exercise causes pain because of the constant motion. The sound of the video, turned up loud enough to hear, causes pain. The glare from the TV hurts. The other thing is that the medications I'm on can cause edema and increased appetite. I promised myself when I had the surgery that I'd not gain the weight back.
I lied.
I'm disappointed in myself even though I know it's not all my fault. I know I'm a stress-eater and the ten years we've been married has had relatively few stress-free months. Accidents, storm issues, a tornado, an estranged daughter and family, the breakup of my son's marriage, job losses and gains, a son and a son-in-law now diagnosed with seizure disorder, a grandson who had just turned 2 and had meningitis, possible encephalitis, and we weren't sure if he was going to make it...now a granddaughter born to my still-married son and his girlfriend while the children from his marriage live with his estranged wife's two sets of parents...
Still, I should be able to relax and slow down on the eating. The fact of the matter is, I can't. It is a well-entrenched coping mechanism I've learned and learned well in my almost 50 years on this planet.
Eh, I'm done for now. Time to go put my feet up and read the captioning on the TV for a while.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
more and less
The Methadone is doing pretty well. I'm under decent pain control with the exception of my left arm. I'm not sleeping well, or at least not more than a couple hours at a time, but I'm making it.
I've been sewing things in preparation for the new granddaughter due next month. I'm workin on her diapers now. Her parents decided to give cloth diapers a try; I'm making the infant size first so if they decide to go with disposables I haven't used as much fabric as I would if I made the full set of older baby diapers. I'm also making myself a new dress. It's a lot like my other dresses but the neckline is less likely to leave me flashing than the other one. My bosom is smaller than some, and the lower necklines have far too much fabric for my needs. I'm hoping this one is more to my liking.
I've been having pain in my right forearm and upper arm for over 2 months now. I went to the doctor and found out that I have a neuroma on the nerve that ennervates my left arm, and the growth is right by my left pinkie. It makes my whole arm hurt, sometimes when I'm just sitting still and doing nothing. Apparently the tumor has been getting bigger and bigger slowly and now it's big enough to cause more pain than I can tolerate on a daily basis, even with the meds I'm on. So anyhow, I see a hand surgeon on May 23 to arrange to get the growth removed. This is definitely not high on my list of things to look forward to, but it needs to be done, and I'll get it done. It's going to make dishes and chicken chores interesting for a while, but at least maybe I'll feel better.
I made a sleeve cover for my left arm so that I can stop picking on it. If the sores heal up all the way that will lower my risk of infection when I have the surgery. It's hard to explain, even to my internest/primary doc, that a compulsion is just that - a compulsion. I can't just decide NOT to do it because I know I shouldn't. She suggested hypnotism and seemed a bit upset when I told her I don't do that. I believe it's opening a door to the demonic and I don't want to take that chance. She didn't seem to understand. She's of the opinion that it can help people. I don't believe that it's an option for me and I'd rather not go that way, whether or not she is happy with it.
When my hubby was laid off in February, I was approved for Prescription Assistance for my Lexapro. It saved an awful lot of money since Lexapro is just shy of $150 a month without insurance. Since hubby is back at work, we won't need the assistance any more, so I will tell my psychiatrist to cancel the prescription assistance and let someone else have it who needs it. There's no sense in using it if we don't need it.
I spoke with a cousin last night. She has nerve issues as well in the same arm as mine. I'm wondering if it's genetic. That might explain the headaches and all. It could very well be.
Other than that, life is status quo. The pain is here every day, and I take my medicines like I should, and pray for the courage and strength to go on and to be strong and to be thankful for a loving family and good insurance and all the blessings I've been given. It could be a lot worse.
I guess that's all for now.
I've been sewing things in preparation for the new granddaughter due next month. I'm workin on her diapers now. Her parents decided to give cloth diapers a try; I'm making the infant size first so if they decide to go with disposables I haven't used as much fabric as I would if I made the full set of older baby diapers. I'm also making myself a new dress. It's a lot like my other dresses but the neckline is less likely to leave me flashing than the other one. My bosom is smaller than some, and the lower necklines have far too much fabric for my needs. I'm hoping this one is more to my liking.
I've been having pain in my right forearm and upper arm for over 2 months now. I went to the doctor and found out that I have a neuroma on the nerve that ennervates my left arm, and the growth is right by my left pinkie. It makes my whole arm hurt, sometimes when I'm just sitting still and doing nothing. Apparently the tumor has been getting bigger and bigger slowly and now it's big enough to cause more pain than I can tolerate on a daily basis, even with the meds I'm on. So anyhow, I see a hand surgeon on May 23 to arrange to get the growth removed. This is definitely not high on my list of things to look forward to, but it needs to be done, and I'll get it done. It's going to make dishes and chicken chores interesting for a while, but at least maybe I'll feel better.
I made a sleeve cover for my left arm so that I can stop picking on it. If the sores heal up all the way that will lower my risk of infection when I have the surgery. It's hard to explain, even to my internest/primary doc, that a compulsion is just that - a compulsion. I can't just decide NOT to do it because I know I shouldn't. She suggested hypnotism and seemed a bit upset when I told her I don't do that. I believe it's opening a door to the demonic and I don't want to take that chance. She didn't seem to understand. She's of the opinion that it can help people. I don't believe that it's an option for me and I'd rather not go that way, whether or not she is happy with it.
When my hubby was laid off in February, I was approved for Prescription Assistance for my Lexapro. It saved an awful lot of money since Lexapro is just shy of $150 a month without insurance. Since hubby is back at work, we won't need the assistance any more, so I will tell my psychiatrist to cancel the prescription assistance and let someone else have it who needs it. There's no sense in using it if we don't need it.
I spoke with a cousin last night. She has nerve issues as well in the same arm as mine. I'm wondering if it's genetic. That might explain the headaches and all. It could very well be.
Other than that, life is status quo. The pain is here every day, and I take my medicines like I should, and pray for the courage and strength to go on and to be strong and to be thankful for a loving family and good insurance and all the blessings I've been given. It could be a lot worse.
I guess that's all for now.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
plodding along
Once again I am limited by the medication I take. The new sleeping pill is great. It helps me sleep better than I've slept in a while. However, since it is a benzodiazepine like the Xanax is, I really have to be careful how much, where, when, and how fast I drive or do other things. It has quite an effect on my concentration and reaction time.
I now go no further than the closest larger towns (about 15 miles) without an escort, and when I do go to town, I drive no faster than 45 or, on a straightaway I know well, I can go 50 miles an hour.
The effect on my personality and psyche of losing this part of my independence has been significant but I have realized that I need to be careful and take responsibility of what I do with what God has given me. If that means I don't go tearing off to the mall any time I want to, then that's what it means. I am learning patience - again. I knew I wasn't done with that yet.
I'm also making little mistakes I hadn't made in a while like bonking my head on things, dropping things, cutting my fingertips while chopping up food, and the like. It reminds me I need to slow down and enjoy myself and not be in such a hurry.
There are lessons all around us if we just stop and listen...
I now go no further than the closest larger towns (about 15 miles) without an escort, and when I do go to town, I drive no faster than 45 or, on a straightaway I know well, I can go 50 miles an hour.
The effect on my personality and psyche of losing this part of my independence has been significant but I have realized that I need to be careful and take responsibility of what I do with what God has given me. If that means I don't go tearing off to the mall any time I want to, then that's what it means. I am learning patience - again. I knew I wasn't done with that yet.
I'm also making little mistakes I hadn't made in a while like bonking my head on things, dropping things, cutting my fingertips while chopping up food, and the like. It reminds me I need to slow down and enjoy myself and not be in such a hurry.
There are lessons all around us if we just stop and listen...
Monday, August 25, 2008
I just realized
I'm going into my 4th year with this wonderful disability.
I know a lot more about it than I did, which is still pitifully little.
That is because there is pitifully little to be known.
Without the Provigil, the sleep issues are still right up front. I'm going to try to go to bed here soon and see if I can get some sleep. I have been at least making the attempt several nights a week. The thing is, I've been picking a lot now too and that doesn't necessarily help. If I can't sleep and I go to bed, I tend to lie there and pick. My skin is a mess. It's from little bug bites and cat bites and scratches and goodness knows what.
I see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I had to reschedule last month because of a honker headache. Oh, they're always fun.
The more stress I'm under, the worse the symptoms of the OCD and borderline personality disorder are, and they're not the best right now. Picking, obsessing, procrastinating, self-degradation...That reminds me. In a minute I need to look something up.
The situation with Becky is still bad. The other two and I are getting along, but not necessarily all that well with each other.
It's hard to believe I've been in the midst of this for 3 years now. I didn't think I could handle it before. I guess I proved myself wrong.
I know a lot more about it than I did, which is still pitifully little.
That is because there is pitifully little to be known.
Without the Provigil, the sleep issues are still right up front. I'm going to try to go to bed here soon and see if I can get some sleep. I have been at least making the attempt several nights a week. The thing is, I've been picking a lot now too and that doesn't necessarily help. If I can't sleep and I go to bed, I tend to lie there and pick. My skin is a mess. It's from little bug bites and cat bites and scratches and goodness knows what.
I see the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I had to reschedule last month because of a honker headache. Oh, they're always fun.
The more stress I'm under, the worse the symptoms of the OCD and borderline personality disorder are, and they're not the best right now. Picking, obsessing, procrastinating, self-degradation...That reminds me. In a minute I need to look something up.
The situation with Becky is still bad. The other two and I are getting along, but not necessarily all that well with each other.
It's hard to believe I've been in the midst of this for 3 years now. I didn't think I could handle it before. I guess I proved myself wrong.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
status quo
I did finally make the appointment with my PCP. I see her for my Well Woman physical next Thursday. I'm frustrated because of the weight I've put back on though I know a lot of it is either the disability preventing me from exercising or the meds which actually have weight gain listed as a side effect...still, I'm upset about it. I guess I need to get over it.
I got a piece of paper yesterday from the insurance company - a release authorizing my pain doc to participate in the appeal for the Provigil on my behalf. This is gonna take half of forever. Anyhow, I filled it out and sent it back. We'll see what happens. I figure I don't have anything to lose. I don't have it now and if they don't authorize it I still won't have it...all I can do is gain.
My laptop is helping me out a lot because now I can check my email and such without ending up with mammoth-sized feet from the swelling. It's funny how the Methadone causes that. It's not something I would have even thought of with a pain med. The trade-off is worth it, though. I'd rather have fat feet than be in more pain.
When I think of where I was 3 1/2 years ago and where I am now it's staggering. My life has changed so much...there is so much I can't do that I used to take for granted...things that never meant much are so precious to me now. I cherish every good minute now because I don't know when the pain of a migraine or exacerbation will happen.
I treasure my blessings even in the middle of the pain.
I got a piece of paper yesterday from the insurance company - a release authorizing my pain doc to participate in the appeal for the Provigil on my behalf. This is gonna take half of forever. Anyhow, I filled it out and sent it back. We'll see what happens. I figure I don't have anything to lose. I don't have it now and if they don't authorize it I still won't have it...all I can do is gain.
My laptop is helping me out a lot because now I can check my email and such without ending up with mammoth-sized feet from the swelling. It's funny how the Methadone causes that. It's not something I would have even thought of with a pain med. The trade-off is worth it, though. I'd rather have fat feet than be in more pain.
When I think of where I was 3 1/2 years ago and where I am now it's staggering. My life has changed so much...there is so much I can't do that I used to take for granted...things that never meant much are so precious to me now. I cherish every good minute now because I don't know when the pain of a migraine or exacerbation will happen.
I treasure my blessings even in the middle of the pain.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
day 963
Dr. P, my pain doc, offered to write a letter to the insurance company to see if she can get me approved for Provigil so I can be up in the daytime and sleep at night like I should be doing. I'm hoping it works. This upside down routine is bugging me a lot.
My psychiatrist suggested I might have narcolepsy because I have been falling asleep while sitting up, while eating or drinking coffee and the like. I will mention that to my internist when I see her this week.
I'm glad I'm on Methadone right now. I'm sure it's helping with my badly bruised tailbone. It hurts like heck even with the pain meds.
I am so tired...
My psychiatrist suggested I might have narcolepsy because I have been falling asleep while sitting up, while eating or drinking coffee and the like. I will mention that to my internist when I see her this week.
I'm glad I'm on Methadone right now. I'm sure it's helping with my badly bruised tailbone. It hurts like heck even with the pain meds.
I am so tired...
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
May 7
I see the pain doc today at 10.
I'm going to tell her they denied the Provigil and see if she has any other ideas. It was nice when I was taking that pill because it kept me awake all day and then I could sleep at night but that isn't happening any more.
I have to figure out a new combination of early afternoon meds. Right now the ones I take in the afternoon make me so sick I want to throw up. That's no fun at all.
I still have the edema from the Methadone but it's not as bad because I make sure to keep my feet up as much as I can.
I'm starting to get really tired now after being up all night. I think maybe I'll go take a nap for a while.
This is no fun at all.
I'm going to tell her they denied the Provigil and see if she has any other ideas. It was nice when I was taking that pill because it kept me awake all day and then I could sleep at night but that isn't happening any more.
I have to figure out a new combination of early afternoon meds. Right now the ones I take in the afternoon make me so sick I want to throw up. That's no fun at all.
I still have the edema from the Methadone but it's not as bad because I make sure to keep my feet up as much as I can.
I'm starting to get really tired now after being up all night. I think maybe I'll go take a nap for a while.
This is no fun at all.
Monday, April 28, 2008
It's been a while
I haven't written for a while.
Things have been pretty much the same. I'm still not sleeping on a decent, regular schedule. It's more like a few hours at a time and then in between I'm always tired.
I'm also frustrated. I wish I could work. I'm tired of being close on money and having to watch pennies. The house payment will be late this week. It's only two days, but I don't like being so darn tight. I'd much rather be working and feeling like I'm doing something than sitting here and getting a check equal to one week's gross pay. That just really stinks.
My head still hurts. The past week or so it's been a little more than before, but I think it's an allergy thing. I dread making yet another appointment with yet another doctor; I see enough of them as it is.
While we're on that subject, I need to see a dentist, but with the facial pain I'm more than a bit apprehensive about that. I need to see my primary doc. I haven't seen her in 2 years or so.
The Methadone still has me swelling up. It's a lovely feeling. I feel like a cow.
I'm a bit depressed. I guess that's obvious.
Things have been pretty much the same. I'm still not sleeping on a decent, regular schedule. It's more like a few hours at a time and then in between I'm always tired.
I'm also frustrated. I wish I could work. I'm tired of being close on money and having to watch pennies. The house payment will be late this week. It's only two days, but I don't like being so darn tight. I'd much rather be working and feeling like I'm doing something than sitting here and getting a check equal to one week's gross pay. That just really stinks.
My head still hurts. The past week or so it's been a little more than before, but I think it's an allergy thing. I dread making yet another appointment with yet another doctor; I see enough of them as it is.
While we're on that subject, I need to see a dentist, but with the facial pain I'm more than a bit apprehensive about that. I need to see my primary doc. I haven't seen her in 2 years or so.
The Methadone still has me swelling up. It's a lovely feeling. I feel like a cow.
I'm a bit depressed. I guess that's obvious.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
still not sleeping well
My sleep cycle is still a mess. I've decided to take it into hand one way or another.
Last night when I took my bedtime pain medicine I also took 2 extra strength acetaminophen and 30 mg of Restoril. I had managed to get everything done that needed doing and we were in bed by 10 o'clock. I fell asleep pretty quickly and slept straight till 3 when hubby woke me up. I made him breakfast and was asleep in the recliner almost before he left the house at 4:30 to head for work. I slept till 7:30. I'm still tired, but not quite as bad as I was. It's going to take some time to get it going, though. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Today I have to go check the mail and then go to the bank so I can get some cash for hubby's break at work. He doesn't use much - just about $1.50 a day. After that, I will come back, check for eggs, give the chickens fresh water, and then I'm going to take a nap.
It's hard when the meds you need for your pain keep you from sleeping and then you start suffering from that. One or the other....that's certainly a tough decision.
Other than that all the meds are working well. All I can say is it's about time.
Last night when I took my bedtime pain medicine I also took 2 extra strength acetaminophen and 30 mg of Restoril. I had managed to get everything done that needed doing and we were in bed by 10 o'clock. I fell asleep pretty quickly and slept straight till 3 when hubby woke me up. I made him breakfast and was asleep in the recliner almost before he left the house at 4:30 to head for work. I slept till 7:30. I'm still tired, but not quite as bad as I was. It's going to take some time to get it going, though. I have a lot of catching up to do.
Today I have to go check the mail and then go to the bank so I can get some cash for hubby's break at work. He doesn't use much - just about $1.50 a day. After that, I will come back, check for eggs, give the chickens fresh water, and then I'm going to take a nap.
It's hard when the meds you need for your pain keep you from sleeping and then you start suffering from that. One or the other....that's certainly a tough decision.
Other than that all the meds are working well. All I can say is it's about time.
Friday, April 04, 2008
can I get any more tired?
Man, I gotta get some decent sleep.
My driving is off, my thinking is screwy, and I keep nodding off sitting up.
I can't spell for beans.
I hate not being able to sleep. Even 30 mg of Restoril only gives me 4 hours. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to try and sleep. I need to sleep. I have to sleep. I'm starting to worry me.
My driving is off, my thinking is screwy, and I keep nodding off sitting up.
I can't spell for beans.
I hate not being able to sleep. Even 30 mg of Restoril only gives me 4 hours. This is ridiculous.
I'm going to try and sleep. I need to sleep. I have to sleep. I'm starting to worry me.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
2 in 2 days
The 20th and 21st I had migraines. They were, I believe, 2 separate migraines. They were about 24 hours apart. A Maxalt just about did the trick on both of them. However, I now need a refill, and I hate paying the copay for these orally disintegrating tabs because they are far from cheap. Still, it's better than hurting.
We're supposed to go to Abby's for dinner tomorrow. I'm going to have to make sure and take it easy so I can make it. Becky and her family won't be coming but JR will. His girlfriend is working. All this family stuff and some people not wanting to come if others are there is a big fat pain in the butt. I'm pretty sure a discussion about that was at least partially responsible for triggering the first migraine if not both of them.
I'm actually tired. I may get some sleep tonight. I forget to take the Restoril for some reason...I need to move it and just take it every night.
I'm just so tired of taking all these drugs...
We're supposed to go to Abby's for dinner tomorrow. I'm going to have to make sure and take it easy so I can make it. Becky and her family won't be coming but JR will. His girlfriend is working. All this family stuff and some people not wanting to come if others are there is a big fat pain in the butt. I'm pretty sure a discussion about that was at least partially responsible for triggering the first migraine if not both of them.
I'm actually tired. I may get some sleep tonight. I forget to take the Restoril for some reason...I need to move it and just take it every night.
I'm just so tired of taking all these drugs...
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
day 738
Well, the increased doses of all the meds combined have mostly brought my pain level down to a 6. That's better than a 7-8. It's amazing how much more I can do with a 6 than I could with the higher level.
Wait...let me quantify that...how much more I can do...when I'm awake.
I sleep away most of the day now and then I'm up at least half the night. It makes for an interesting schedule. Even if I do get to bed I wake up after a couple hours and then I'm done till the next time I get tired enough to go to bed. It's a killer on our romantic life, if nothing else...
I see the new doc in just under 3 weeks. I hope things work out with her. I'd like to get the pain back down to a 5 so I can at least keep the house clean without feeling like I've just run a marathon...and I'd like to care if my house is clean.
Maybe then I could even exercise a bit. That would be nice, for sure.
Wait...let me quantify that...how much more I can do...when I'm awake.
I sleep away most of the day now and then I'm up at least half the night. It makes for an interesting schedule. Even if I do get to bed I wake up after a couple hours and then I'm done till the next time I get tired enough to go to bed. It's a killer on our romantic life, if nothing else...
I see the new doc in just under 3 weeks. I hope things work out with her. I'd like to get the pain back down to a 5 so I can at least keep the house clean without feeling like I've just run a marathon...and I'd like to care if my house is clean.
Maybe then I could even exercise a bit. That would be nice, for sure.
Friday, September 21, 2007
blast it all
Darn pain doctor....I really don't like that man.
First off, he tells me that increasing my Methadone dose to 20 mg a day, which he is doing very very very reluctantly, puts me in danger. It's bad for my health. He insists I see a dentist because it can mess with my teeth. That's a new one. I tell him when I have the money I'll go to a dentist. I can't pay for a cleaning and inspection and neglect the house payment.
Then he says I have the WORST case of PTSD and anxiety he's ever seen and asks if my psychiatrist has suggested hospitalization.
Why? Because I'm in so much pain I'm crying again?
Because I'm picking at the sores on my arms like I've done for 35 years?
Because I'm stressed?
No. Really???? I'm stressed because I hurt. I don't hurt because I'm stressed.
I reminded the dork that I've had PTSD and OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder since I was, like 12, and functioned in society on a relatively even keel with it, even managing to raise 3 kids on my own and they all made it to adulthood in one piece. Those diagnoses have NOTHING to do with the fact that I hurt like blazes. I hurt. I need meds so that I don't hurt so much, so I can sleep, so I can function and vacuum my living room and sweep and mop the kitchen and fold the laundry. I don't want to go to Vegas or Mozambique or Paris...I just want to keep my house clean and not hurt so bad I can't spend time with my kids and grandkids.
He then mentions that he may not be the right doc to treat me because he's uncomfortable with such high doses of Methadone. High? 20 mg a day? Come on! This hint wasn't missed. I know where he's heading next. He hasn't said it yet, but I know what's coming the next time I see him.
So I came home and called the doctor of an online friend. This doc is in Columbia, another 45 minutes further from my house, but she is treating my online friend like a real honest-to-goodness person in spite of her pain.
I have an appointment with her on October 22 at 10:15. I'm hoping this lady and I hit it off because I'm running out of options here. I know that Dr. Toad wants me off the Methadone. He still won't give me anything for breakthrough pain but the Tylenol. He, like the neurologist, thinks this is all related to my psych diagnosis...something which, amazingly enough, has not occurred to my psychiatrist, who sees the stress and anxiety as being aggravated by the pain.
So anyhow, for now I'm up to a whole whopping 20 mg of Methadone a day, in 4 5-mg increments. I know...I'm just the druggie of the month here, aren't I?
I'd like to do a few things to give him an idea of how I hurt. First, I'd bash him in the head with a baseball bat a few dozen times. Next, I'd take his family jewels and put them in a couple 2-inch C-clamps and tighten them as tight as I could. Then I'd walk out of the room for about 3 weeks and when I came back, I'd tell him he sounded stressed and suggest maybe he needed to be hospitalized for his psych issues. I'd give him some Tylenol for the pain and tell him anything stronger could have serious detrimental effects on his health.
Yep...there is a sadistic component to my BPD, and when I get mad, it comes out. Fortunately I never act on it...but I do fantasize a lot.
First off, he tells me that increasing my Methadone dose to 20 mg a day, which he is doing very very very reluctantly, puts me in danger. It's bad for my health. He insists I see a dentist because it can mess with my teeth. That's a new one. I tell him when I have the money I'll go to a dentist. I can't pay for a cleaning and inspection and neglect the house payment.
Then he says I have the WORST case of PTSD and anxiety he's ever seen and asks if my psychiatrist has suggested hospitalization.
Why? Because I'm in so much pain I'm crying again?
Because I'm picking at the sores on my arms like I've done for 35 years?
Because I'm stressed?
No. Really???? I'm stressed because I hurt. I don't hurt because I'm stressed.
I reminded the dork that I've had PTSD and OCD and Borderline Personality Disorder since I was, like 12, and functioned in society on a relatively even keel with it, even managing to raise 3 kids on my own and they all made it to adulthood in one piece. Those diagnoses have NOTHING to do with the fact that I hurt like blazes. I hurt. I need meds so that I don't hurt so much, so I can sleep, so I can function and vacuum my living room and sweep and mop the kitchen and fold the laundry. I don't want to go to Vegas or Mozambique or Paris...I just want to keep my house clean and not hurt so bad I can't spend time with my kids and grandkids.
He then mentions that he may not be the right doc to treat me because he's uncomfortable with such high doses of Methadone. High? 20 mg a day? Come on! This hint wasn't missed. I know where he's heading next. He hasn't said it yet, but I know what's coming the next time I see him.
So I came home and called the doctor of an online friend. This doc is in Columbia, another 45 minutes further from my house, but she is treating my online friend like a real honest-to-goodness person in spite of her pain.
I have an appointment with her on October 22 at 10:15. I'm hoping this lady and I hit it off because I'm running out of options here. I know that Dr. Toad wants me off the Methadone. He still won't give me anything for breakthrough pain but the Tylenol. He, like the neurologist, thinks this is all related to my psych diagnosis...something which, amazingly enough, has not occurred to my psychiatrist, who sees the stress and anxiety as being aggravated by the pain.
So anyhow, for now I'm up to a whole whopping 20 mg of Methadone a day, in 4 5-mg increments. I know...I'm just the druggie of the month here, aren't I?
I'd like to do a few things to give him an idea of how I hurt. First, I'd bash him in the head with a baseball bat a few dozen times. Next, I'd take his family jewels and put them in a couple 2-inch C-clamps and tighten them as tight as I could. Then I'd walk out of the room for about 3 weeks and when I came back, I'd tell him he sounded stressed and suggest maybe he needed to be hospitalized for his psych issues. I'd give him some Tylenol for the pain and tell him anything stronger could have serious detrimental effects on his health.
Yep...there is a sadistic component to my BPD, and when I get mad, it comes out. Fortunately I never act on it...but I do fantasize a lot.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
well, that was necessary
They decided to recommend I stay as my own payee once I shared with them I take care of all the finances in our home and make arrangements for all appointments, repairs, bills, and handle all the banking stuff.
That was what was holding up my back pay, so it should be coming through soon. I hope so because I'd like to get the new garage door and opener taken care of before it gets cold. We also need a tune up on the van, 3 new tires, and transmission service. I want to get the back windows checked to see if we can get the wiring fixed so they will open and possibly get the air conditioning repaired. I still haven't decided if we're giving the van to Abby and Donovan or keeping it. They have the Suburban so they really don't need it but if the Taurus goes belly-up they're gonna be in a fix again with only one vehicle especially with them living out so far. I'm half-tempted to get them a little runaround car and that way Donovan can drive that to work and back, like it or not, and the Suburban can stay with whoever has the kids.
I still hurt, even after 2 weeks on the new doses of Lexapro and Xanax. All they've really done is make me more and more tired to where I sleep at least half of every day away. They also helped me be able to more easily distinguish what was anxiety and what was pain. Great. I guess...
I see the pain doc tomorrow. If he gives me flak I'll be looking up a new physician. I'm just tired of his crap. I know the DEA is all up his butt and I understand the pressure to some extent but I'm a patient in pain and I deserve to be treated like anyone else with a disability regardless of whether or not the disability is one you can see with the naked eye. I didn't choose to have this kind of pain. I don't like being discriminated against, or feeling like I'm being discriminated against, simply because my disability is invisible.
So now it's time to wait on the back pay and decide how to utilize it most prudently. The garage door is important. It's falling to shreds. It's been repaired several times and won't last much longer and opening it by myself causes agony in my head. Either the van needs to be fixed or we need to get something else, and then that will need repairs, I'm sure. We need to winterize the chicken coop. There is so much that needs to be done...it's a matter of prioritizing and deciding what can wait and what needs to be done first.
I wish I could work....this would be so much easier. Twice the income, at least, would make for more to fix and maintain things with...but that's not what I've been given, so I'll deal with it the best I can. At least hubby is here and he helps and supports me even when I don't come to bed at night for days at a time. He's my rock here on earth.
That was what was holding up my back pay, so it should be coming through soon. I hope so because I'd like to get the new garage door and opener taken care of before it gets cold. We also need a tune up on the van, 3 new tires, and transmission service. I want to get the back windows checked to see if we can get the wiring fixed so they will open and possibly get the air conditioning repaired. I still haven't decided if we're giving the van to Abby and Donovan or keeping it. They have the Suburban so they really don't need it but if the Taurus goes belly-up they're gonna be in a fix again with only one vehicle especially with them living out so far. I'm half-tempted to get them a little runaround car and that way Donovan can drive that to work and back, like it or not, and the Suburban can stay with whoever has the kids.
I still hurt, even after 2 weeks on the new doses of Lexapro and Xanax. All they've really done is make me more and more tired to where I sleep at least half of every day away. They also helped me be able to more easily distinguish what was anxiety and what was pain. Great. I guess...
I see the pain doc tomorrow. If he gives me flak I'll be looking up a new physician. I'm just tired of his crap. I know the DEA is all up his butt and I understand the pressure to some extent but I'm a patient in pain and I deserve to be treated like anyone else with a disability regardless of whether or not the disability is one you can see with the naked eye. I didn't choose to have this kind of pain. I don't like being discriminated against, or feeling like I'm being discriminated against, simply because my disability is invisible.
So now it's time to wait on the back pay and decide how to utilize it most prudently. The garage door is important. It's falling to shreds. It's been repaired several times and won't last much longer and opening it by myself causes agony in my head. Either the van needs to be fixed or we need to get something else, and then that will need repairs, I'm sure. We need to winterize the chicken coop. There is so much that needs to be done...it's a matter of prioritizing and deciding what can wait and what needs to be done first.
I wish I could work....this would be so much easier. Twice the income, at least, would make for more to fix and maintain things with...but that's not what I've been given, so I'll deal with it the best I can. At least hubby is here and he helps and supports me even when I don't come to bed at night for days at a time. He's my rock here on earth.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
the pain still sucks
I've been on the increased Lexapro and Xanax for a week and a half now. There's not really much of a change unless you count my inability to stay awake for more than 4 hours at a time. In fact, yesterday I was awake for less than 5 hours. I stayed in the recliner almost all day long. I did get up to care for the chickens, because they depend on me; I went to the bathroom several times because I ate something that didn't agree with me and had dumping syndrome; and that was about it.
My pain is still clear and still at a 7 to 8 most times. It doesn't wake me up, but it's always there when I do get out of bed or the chair for any reason. I think after a while the body just has to rest no matter how bad the head hurts and sleep just comes on.
I go to the pain doc on Friday. I'm hoping he'll give me an increase in the Methadone. I'm not holding my breath but I certainly hope he doesn't expect me to live like this. I have the names and numbers of a couple other doctors a bit further out and if he won't help me I may have to seek a different provider, though the thought of having to start this all over makes me anxious.
Later today we go to the Social Security office to find out what the issue is with my ability or disability to handle my benefits. I thought I was supposed to be getting better, according to my grant letter...now they say they're concerned about my ability to handle my own money? If they want me to play stupid, I will. I can do that if I need to in order to keep getting those checks. I don't like it, but whatever they want me to do, I'll do.
I'm going to ask about my back pay, too. It's been 3 months since I got the award letter and I haven't heard anything about the more than 16 grand I have coming in back pay. We need that money to do some repairs here and pay off a few bills. I'd like to see it before the end of the year. Then, I have to file an amended tax return for last year so we don't have to pay taxes on everything I get in one year, since technically half of it is for last year. One day we'll get the tax thing straightened out. At least the taxes we owed from 2005 are paid in full now and that's not hanging over our heads.
I've started my pain article. I really need to work on it but I need to get the pain in my head under a little more control first.
My pain is still clear and still at a 7 to 8 most times. It doesn't wake me up, but it's always there when I do get out of bed or the chair for any reason. I think after a while the body just has to rest no matter how bad the head hurts and sleep just comes on.
I go to the pain doc on Friday. I'm hoping he'll give me an increase in the Methadone. I'm not holding my breath but I certainly hope he doesn't expect me to live like this. I have the names and numbers of a couple other doctors a bit further out and if he won't help me I may have to seek a different provider, though the thought of having to start this all over makes me anxious.
Later today we go to the Social Security office to find out what the issue is with my ability or disability to handle my benefits. I thought I was supposed to be getting better, according to my grant letter...now they say they're concerned about my ability to handle my own money? If they want me to play stupid, I will. I can do that if I need to in order to keep getting those checks. I don't like it, but whatever they want me to do, I'll do.
I'm going to ask about my back pay, too. It's been 3 months since I got the award letter and I haven't heard anything about the more than 16 grand I have coming in back pay. We need that money to do some repairs here and pay off a few bills. I'd like to see it before the end of the year. Then, I have to file an amended tax return for last year so we don't have to pay taxes on everything I get in one year, since technically half of it is for last year. One day we'll get the tax thing straightened out. At least the taxes we owed from 2005 are paid in full now and that's not hanging over our heads.
I've started my pain article. I really need to work on it but I need to get the pain in my head under a little more control first.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
day 721 - weight gain and clothes
The forced inactivity caused by my pain, combined with the insomnia and somnolence brought on by the change in my meds and my pain, has contributed to yet another 10-pound weight gain. I am now 50 pounds heavier than I was at my lowest weight. I am frustrated. I was in a size 14 at my best. Today I put on a pair of size 20 jeans for the first time since last spring and they feel like sausage casings. I put them away and pulled out another skirt.
I want to exercise.
I want not to eat so much.
I want to sleep and have energy.
I want to feel like I have a purpose.
I'm whiny and hormone-y and I'm not happy that I'm going to have to buy a pair of size 22 jeans for chores this year. Maybe I'll just do them all in dresses and change after I'm done getting all dirty. Dresses are a lot more forgiving.
Part of the problem is that my waist is not how the clothes-makers feel it should be in proportion to my hips. Either my waist is too big for my hips, or my hips are too small for my waist. If I get the pants to fit the hips, they won't go around my waist. If I get them to fit the waist, the crotch hangs halfway to my knees and I feel like my hips are lost in a sea of fabric.
My brain is not right. The drugs and the stress of knowing they think I'm incompetent while considering me possibly well enough to go back to work in March have really messed with my head. I forget simple things and obsess over stuff that really isn't all that crucial. I dunno...it's just all weird.
I want to exercise.
I want not to eat so much.
I want to sleep and have energy.
I want to feel like I have a purpose.
I'm whiny and hormone-y and I'm not happy that I'm going to have to buy a pair of size 22 jeans for chores this year. Maybe I'll just do them all in dresses and change after I'm done getting all dirty. Dresses are a lot more forgiving.
Part of the problem is that my waist is not how the clothes-makers feel it should be in proportion to my hips. Either my waist is too big for my hips, or my hips are too small for my waist. If I get the pants to fit the hips, they won't go around my waist. If I get them to fit the waist, the crotch hangs halfway to my knees and I feel like my hips are lost in a sea of fabric.
My brain is not right. The drugs and the stress of knowing they think I'm incompetent while considering me possibly well enough to go back to work in March have really messed with my head. I forget simple things and obsess over stuff that really isn't all that crucial. I dunno...it's just all weird.
Monday, September 10, 2007
day 716
The Xanax and Lexapro in the higher doses have made the sleeping issue worse. I honestly think I slept half the day away and I wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep.
I think the ringing in my ears is getting louder, too, which the Lexapro can do. I wonder if it's going to come down to a choice between a slightly better mood with louder tinnitus, which will honestly put me in a worse mood because it's so irritating with my already-acute hearing, or just dealing with the anxiety and compulsive behavior.
This would be easier if I wasn't allergic or sensitive to so many things, but I am, so there we have it.
Next Friday: pain doc. I called for a refill on my Methadone today. I just hope they don't do what they did last time and forget to mail it out.
I just wanna not hurt.
I think the ringing in my ears is getting louder, too, which the Lexapro can do. I wonder if it's going to come down to a choice between a slightly better mood with louder tinnitus, which will honestly put me in a worse mood because it's so irritating with my already-acute hearing, or just dealing with the anxiety and compulsive behavior.
This would be easier if I wasn't allergic or sensitive to so many things, but I am, so there we have it.
Next Friday: pain doc. I called for a refill on my Methadone today. I just hope they don't do what they did last time and forget to mail it out.
I just wanna not hurt.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
day 714
I'm not sure if it's the Xanax or the Lexapro but I can feel the pain more clearly now if that makes any sense. I also feel more relaxed but the lessening of tension makes the pain more obvious and I just flat hurt.
Hubby took me to WalMart to get my medicine. I'm not sure if I'm safe driving. Probably not.
I'm still dozing off at every opportunity but I did manage to get a baby gown done this morning and the cap to go with it. I picked up Universal needles while we were at WalMart because the regular sharp ones don't work very well and my thread kept busting.
2 weeks till I see the pain doctor.
Hubby took me to WalMart to get my medicine. I'm not sure if I'm safe driving. Probably not.
I'm still dozing off at every opportunity but I did manage to get a baby gown done this morning and the cap to go with it. I picked up Universal needles while we were at WalMart because the regular sharp ones don't work very well and my thread kept busting.
2 weeks till I see the pain doctor.
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