more and less

The Methadone is doing pretty well. I'm under decent pain control with the exception of my left arm. I'm not sleeping well, or at least not more than a couple hours at a time, but I'm making it.

I've been sewing things in preparation for the new granddaughter due next month. I'm workin on her diapers now. Her parents decided to give cloth diapers a try; I'm making the infant size first so if they decide to go with disposables I haven't used as much fabric as I would if I made the full set of older baby diapers. I'm also making myself a new dress. It's a lot like my other dresses but the neckline is less likely to leave me flashing than the other one. My bosom is smaller than some, and the lower necklines have far too much fabric for my needs. I'm hoping this one is more to my liking.

I've been having pain in my right forearm and upper arm for over 2 months now. I went to the doctor and found out that I have a neuroma on the nerve that ennervates my left arm, and the growth is right by my left pinkie. It makes my whole arm hurt, sometimes when I'm just sitting still and doing nothing. Apparently the tumor has been getting bigger and bigger slowly and now it's big enough to cause more pain than I can tolerate on a daily basis, even with the meds I'm on. So anyhow, I see a hand surgeon on May 23 to arrange to get the growth removed. This is definitely not high on my list of things to look forward to, but it needs to be done, and I'll get it done. It's going to make dishes and chicken chores interesting for a while, but at least maybe I'll feel better.
I made a sleeve cover for my left arm so that I can stop picking on it. If the sores heal up all the way that will lower my risk of infection when I have the surgery. It's hard to explain, even to my internest/primary doc, that a compulsion is just that - a compulsion. I can't just decide NOT to do it because I know I shouldn't. She suggested hypnotism and seemed a bit upset when I told her I don't do that. I believe it's opening a door to the demonic and I don't want to take that chance. She didn't seem to understand. She's of the opinion that it can help people. I don't believe that it's an option for me and I'd rather not go that way, whether or not she is happy with it.

When my hubby was laid off in February, I was approved for Prescription Assistance for my Lexapro. It saved an awful lot of money since Lexapro is just shy of $150 a month without insurance. Since hubby is back at work, we won't need the assistance any more, so I will tell my psychiatrist to cancel the prescription assistance and let someone else have it who needs it. There's no sense in using it if we don't need it.

I spoke with a cousin last night. She has nerve issues as well in the same arm as mine. I'm wondering if it's genetic. That might explain the headaches and all. It could very well be.

Other than that, life is status quo. The pain is here every day, and I take my medicines like I should, and pray for the courage and strength to go on and to be strong and to be thankful for a loving family and good insurance and all the blessings I've been given. It could be a lot worse.

I guess that's all for now.

day 721 - weight gain and clothes

The forced inactivity caused by my pain, combined with the insomnia and somnolence brought on by the change in my meds and my pain, has contributed to yet another 10-pound weight gain. I am now 50 pounds heavier than I was at my lowest weight. I am frustrated. I was in a size 14 at my best. Today I put on a pair of size 20 jeans for the first time since last spring and they feel like sausage casings. I put them away and pulled out another skirt.

I want to exercise.

I want not to eat so much.

I want to sleep and have energy.

I want to feel like I have a purpose.

I'm whiny and hormone-y and I'm not happy that I'm going to have to buy a pair of size 22 jeans for chores this year. Maybe I'll just do them all in dresses and change after I'm done getting all dirty. Dresses are a lot more forgiving.

Part of the problem is that my waist is not how the clothes-makers feel it should be in proportion to my hips. Either my waist is too big for my hips, or my hips are too small for my waist. If I get the pants to fit the hips, they won't go around my waist. If I get them to fit the waist, the crotch hangs halfway to my knees and I feel like my hips are lost in a sea of fabric.

My brain is not right. The drugs and the stress of knowing they think I'm incompetent while considering me possibly well enough to go back to work in March have really messed with my head. I forget simple things and obsess over stuff that really isn't all that crucial. I dunno...it's just all weird.

day 608

I try to remember to write in here at least once a week.

Sometimes, though, it's more redundancy than anything else.

It's been about the same for a month now. I get tired, and I try to get up and do things like the pain doc told me to, but then I get more tired if I don't take a nap, and I'll fall asleep sitting up. I can't be up all day every day. My body just won't let me do it.

I see the psychiatrist next week. Hopefully he'll increase my Lexapro and it will help some with the OCD things I struggle with.

I'd like to do more outside but I'm almost afraid to. It makes me so tired, and then my head...and it's just not smart with the pain I'm in...but I might do some mowing anyhow.

After all, I'm gonna hurt whether I do it or not...