day 764 - depressed

I think I finally realized that I'm majorly depressed again.

The possibility that I'm not going to find a doctor willing to treat me like a person and help me manage all these conditions I'm in the midst of is overwhelming.

It might explain why I'm sleeping all the time again.

Can't they just do what they went to school to do and be a doctor?

On another note, I'm dizzy. It's weird. I don't know why...or how...no changes in medication or anything of that nature....just dizzy.

2 hours till med time...why bother going to bed, only to have to get up again?

blah

Yet another doc at a loss as to what to do with me...

She wants me to go to a neuropsychiatrist and to the Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago. I know nothing about Chicago except that it's expensive. The hotel rooms in that area run $100 a night and up. If the clinic wants you to do biofeedback, you have to pay on that day and file for reimbursement.

My question is, what do poor people do? Just hurt? We can't pay that kind of money...unless we don't pay some of our bills, and lose the house. From what I read about the clinic I'd be a frequent flyer for a while becaause they expect several biofeedback appointments, close monitoring of pain medications and effects, and other stuff like that.

I'm going to check on a pain doc in the same town the new doc is in and make the neuropsych appointment and take it from there. I can't afford this stuff. Maybe I'll just have to learn to deal with it. I just hope they don't take my Methadone away.

day 757 - nervous

I see the new doc today.

Beth, my online friend, says she's a good doctor. I just hope she doesn't look at my list of meds and allergies and diagnoses and toss her hands up in the air. I don't need that right now.

I'd like to be treated like a real person with real pain instead of a nutcase. I'd like adequate pain relief. I'd like to trust my doctor not to think what I'm going through is all in my head, though indeed that is where most of the pain is. It's there, but it is not psychological in origin. The psych issues were there a long, long time before the pain showed up.

I'm still trying to decide if I want to drive or if I want to put gas in the van and let Abby drive. She's so far along it might not be a good idea. I guess I'll have to see how I feel when it's time to leave in just over an hour.

I was going to try to nap but that's not going to happen. I can't relax enough.

It'll be over soon and I'll know how she is. I hope it goes well.

moving around

Yesterday most of the pain was in the back of my head, near the top. I went to bed, finally, and had to get up and come sleep in the recliner with my neck pillow behind me so my head didn't touch the chair.

Now it's moving to the frontal lobe area.

And the ever-present ringing is still at a higher level.

I love these days.

Ring around the headache, anyone?

bad day - 751

I was supposed to run errands yesterday.

Instead, I got a migraine.

I got to take my nasty-tasting Maxalt-MLT and stay home and rest.

At least I caught it early and didn't have anything that absolutely had to be done.

Today I do need to go get hubby's meds and the new lenses for my glasses and pick up a few groceries but that's about it.

Now I have that hangover that Maxalt gives me and I feel like I could drink a lake.

I need to go to bed and get some more sleep. I can't type worth beans, anyhow.

day 744

So I trudge along, waiting for the day I see the new doctor.

I hang on and take my medications and try to stay on a relatively decent schedule.

I do what I can and try to prioritize so I'm not wasting my energy.

That is the most I can ask of myself at this point in time.

day 738

Well, the increased doses of all the meds combined have mostly brought my pain level down to a 6. That's better than a 7-8. It's amazing how much more I can do with a 6 than I could with the higher level.

Wait...let me quantify that...how much more I can do...when I'm awake.

I sleep away most of the day now and then I'm up at least half the night. It makes for an interesting schedule. Even if I do get to bed I wake up after a couple hours and then I'm done till the next time I get tired enough to go to bed. It's a killer on our romantic life, if nothing else...

I see the new doc in just under 3 weeks. I hope things work out with her. I'd like to get the pain back down to a 5 so I can at least keep the house clean without feeling like I've just run a marathon...and I'd like to care if my house is clean.

Maybe then I could even exercise a bit. That would be nice, for sure.