let me describe this while I can

It's as if someone took a chisel, one of the shorter ones like men keep in a tool box, and flattened the end so it's about as big around as a dime but about 1/2 inch thick; then they took that chisel apparatus, put it on the right side of my face between the far end of my eyebrow and where my hair begins, and tapped on the chisel just hard enough to hurt. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over. For hours and hours.

I can't even stand the lights on the Christmas tree. I had to shut it off. The TV is off.

The tinnitus is loud again, louder than usual.

I just want to close my eyes and sleep away the pain. The problem is, it's always there when I wake up. There's also the issue of the pain that laying on my back aggravates lately with the occipital neuralgia acts up.

I need to be working on Christmas gifts but I can't stand the light or the sound of the machine. I feel horrid. I promised the kids their quilts this year and it looks like that won't be happening again unless I machine quilt them, which I really didn't want to do. If I did, though, I could have them done on time.

I just wish I could have something to take the edge off on days like this, since they turn into weeks more often than not, and with Christmas coming next week that isn't a good thing...

...but what does the pain care?

ow day 687

My head has been bad for almost a week.

The pain level is once again a 7-8 even with the meds.

I'm so sensitive to light and sound even the ceiling fan about drives me crazy, but I have to have circulating air or I feel like I'm suffocating.

It's that right side intense pain again. I just can't get rid of it.

I'm almost to the point of heading to the ER and asking for drugs.

If I do that, though, it won't be the ER closest to us. They're downright rude to me there.

Besides, I don't have a way to get there. No vehicle.

Guess I tough it out.

I need to reschedule my psychiatrist's appointment. It's for 11 tomorrow and the temp is supposed to get up to 103 with a heat index about 110 and we have no A/C in the van. I'm not sure I can tolerate that heat in the pain I'm in. Maybe they can get me in next week. If not, I'll figure something out. Depending on when JR works maybe he can run me up there if I give him gas money. He wouldn't mind, I'm sure, especially if I buy him lunch, too. That's a good way to bribe a single guy...food.

Gotta discuss this with the pain doc when I see him again. The pain issue has got to be under better control.

day 613

It's another one of those pain days....

My head registers every stimulus as pain in addition to whatever the stimulus is...sound, movement, light, touch...

I hate this.

I hate more that I can't get enough medication to bring it down a little without feeling like I'm giving away half of my life.

I'm tired of living at a 5 or worse almost all the time.

I'd just like to be close to normal again...

But that isn't going to happen, is it?