ouch.

I had a most decidedly unpleasant experience this evening.

I was sitting in my chair watching TV and all of a sudden it felt as if someone had taken an arrow and stabbed it through my eye socket and into my face below my nose, toward my upper left teeth and ear. It was an intense pain, and very strong. I couldn't stay quiet about it. Hubby was very concerned when he heard me cry out.

I think it lasted about 15 or 20 seconds.

After that, it was difficult to open my mouth all the way without feeling like there was a catch in my right jaw. There was pain between my ear and my eye socket along the top of what I can only describe as my cheekbone. I still have that residual pain though the difficulty opening my mouth is gone.

The ATN pain I have has never felt like this. I get sharp electrical-like pains occasionally, but this was a new feeling.

I didn't like it.

At all.

atypical trigeminal neuralgia sucks

I'm sick of being in pain. I'm sick of being sick.

I can hardly remember what it was like NOT to hurt. I do remember that I used to work, and run around, and was pretty happy most of the time.

Now my face shows the lines from the pain I live with every day. I look older. I look worried. I look like I hurt.

I hate what this disease is doing to me. I hate that I can't work. I hate that my house is going slowly downhill and I don't have the energy to care. I hate that we are short on money and things are so tight. I hate having to plan my life around doctor's appointments and medication.

Today is not a good day. I'm waiting for the Vicodin to kick in so I can go back to sleep.

It's hard when you hurt and nobody can see why.

goodbye Elavil

I have to go off this stuff. I can't stand the side effects...confusion, fatigue, bad taste in my mouth, dry mouth...it's not worth the small amount of relief I get. I'd rather just hurt.

I'm sure my neurologist will welcome the news when I go to see him again.

Well, he can feel how he wants to. It's my brain, and my body, and I don't want to go through this.

I wonder how long the side effects will hang around. I hope it's not for long. I'd like to be able to taste my food again.

I took a Vicodin and half a Xanax tonight. I needed them. I almost took a whole Xanax but I need to be at least halfway alert until all the boys are asleep. My head is hurting, though, and it's bad enough to need those meds through the Elavil's masking, so I took what I knew I could get away with.

Tomorrow I'll be sewing again. I have blocks to make for this swap I'm in. I'm glad for the sewing. It gives me something to think about instead of pain.

silence

I'm sure everyone has moments like these, where they'd just like to go hide in a dark place somewhere and never come out again. I'm frustrated and hurting and I'm tired of fighting to stay rational and calm. I want to cry and scream and pound my fist into something and to yell out that it isn't fair. I know life isn't fair. I know we all have our struggles. But tonight, just for a few minutes, I'd like to not have to be so positive and strong. I'd like to just fall apart and be weak for a minute or three.

I know the feeling will go away. I just had to put it into words. It's part of the process, of the chronic pain, of the headaches that never end. It's part of the medicine and side effects and the bad taste in my mouth and the tiredness and my intolerance of normal things. It's part of the not being able to work and the lack of finances and the worrying about paying the bills and how long will it take to get disability?

I need sleep.

hope

I've been on the Elavil a week now, and the neuro bumped me up to 50mg at bedtime starting tonight. The 25mg dose is making a small difference in the pain, so he wants to see if a bigger dose will help more. I'm experiencing some side effects, but nothing bad enough to make me stop taking the medication. I do need to get some breath mints to help with the nasty taste in my mouth.

Today I took my first Vicodin in a week. It seems to run in cycles where I don't have bad head pain for a week or so and then I have some for several days. I also did more today than I have in a while and that might have contributed to the headache. I try to keep things as simple as I can lately because throwing things out of whack tends to mess with my head.

I go back to the neurologist in 6 weeks to 2 months. He'll want to know how the Elavil is working and will monitor my vitals and stuff as well as the side effects.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to working as a nurse, but I'd like to go back to work some day. I feel like a slug sitting here day after day with just the house to keep clean and not bringing any money in.

yak

The Elavil is affecting my appetite.

First off, everything tastes like poo. Secondly, I don't want to eat. I'm not sure if that's related to the poo taste in my mouth or not.

I feel like a moron. I feel slow, and doddering, and sluggish. However, I am tolerating the pain better than I was.

I just wanted to write that down before I forgot it.

in a rut

I'm on vacation from watching the boys this week. I needed a break and my daughter's schedule worked out so I could have the week off.

We're trying Elavil now. I already know I can't take it at night. If I do, I can't sleep. Between it and the Atarax I'm on for my rash, I'm a mess of sluggishness and slothful feelings. I don't have much energy.

I had to reschedule the neuro appointment. I got stuck in traffic and would have been too darn late so I go on Wednesday of this week instead. If he doesn't have any valid suggestions with this appointment I'm going to switch docs again. I need someone who is going to work with me and try to at least get this under control. I know it's not a curable thing. I just want to tolerate it.

I've been fighting depression this spring. Hopefully the Elavil will help with that, too. It's certainly affecting my appetite. Things don't taste right. This could be a good thing.