Wednesday, December 26, 2007

day 822

Sometimes my head just gets so full of stuff I can't even think straight.

The pain is pretty much the same. A familiar companion now, I wonder if it will ever lessen in severity. I'm pretty much resigning myself to living with it at this level though deep inside I do hope that maybe some day I can find a doctor who will care enough about me as a person to adjust the dosage of my medication so that I can live a little easier and not be so tied to watching every movement, knowing that one too many will put me out of commission for days, if not more.

I'd like to spend time with my grandbabies like I used to, but I can't. I can't tolerate the simple noise that joyful children create as a side effect of the act of being. It hurts. It physically causes me discomfort.

The holiday was nice but I had to ask several times for people to, in a sense, stop enjoying themselves so much because enjoyment naturally leads to sound, and sound hurts.

I wonder if anyone without this kind of pain has any clue how hard it is to live this way.

Probably not.

I wonder if they care.

Most of them - probably not.

They just want to get on with their own lives and happiness and I am in the way.

And that is tough on me.

And I weary of asking people to lower voices and stop sounding like life is so much fun - because for me, it isn't any more, because I cannot stand the sound of enjoying life.

And that is sad.

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