Sunday, January 15, 2006

Day 100

That's a long time to be in pain.

I guess I'd better get used to it.

I don't like the sound of that, either.

Chronic pain is a funny thing. It's always there. It never goes away. It ebbs and flows, increases and wanes, but it's always, always there. It always reminds you of your limitations and that at any time you can become incapacitated by a surge of the power that controls the pain, and that power has nothing at all to do with you. It's out of your hands.

My brother lived with chronic pain for over 20 years. I didn't understand a lot of what he went through, even though I'm a nurse (when I can work) and I've dealt with chronic problems of my own for my whole life...depression, obesity, some twisted personality disorder that leads me to people who use and abuse me...

There are things in my mind now that make why he chose to live the way he did more and more clear with each passing day, and I'm only 100 days into this mess. Pain messes with your head. It's not just a physical thing, though mine certainly is considering the diagnoses I've been handed. It's emotional and psychological and it just plain screws up your thought processes and makes you wonder why in the world anyone would even want to be around you. You can barely stand yourself some days. The scene under the bridge makes more sense to me now than it ever did. Some of the things I knew about Ken become increasingly relevant as time passes and I learn what it's like to never be without that companion called pain.

God works in mysterious ways indeed...

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