Monday, June 12, 2006

mid-night ruminations

Here I sit, again, in the middle of the darkness of night, having been urged once again by the pain in my head to take the drugs I vehemently swore I would not come to depend on, waiting for the relief I know will come eventually, and trying not to fear that I have become an addict.

I am not addicted to these pills. I fight taking them for the longest time I can possibly manage. I hate them. I hate what I know they represent.

However, I do depend on them. I need the diminishing of the pain they will bring. I need to be able to sleep, to rest, to stop feeling as if I am a writhing mass of unrelenting uncomfortableness.

It sucks, feeling like this.

I hate who I am becoming. I hate having to get up in the wee hours of the morning to ingest compounds that used to knock me out, knowing they will only help ease the reminder of the ever-present companion my neuralgia has become.

I wonder if I will ever again be pain-free before I close my eyes for the last time.

I wonder if I will ever feel fully alive again.

1 comment:

TxInstitute said...

If you're game, I'd like to ask you 2 pivotal questions:
Do your headaches get worse or spread out/over your head into your forehead/eyes/sinuses as the day progresses, and,
Are your headaches worse after looking down for a sustained period?

If so, feel free to contact me at I'll take time to try to help you. You can read about who in the world I am on
Frankly, my days are spent freeing people from pain & medications. In our Institute, we've had only 1 patient since October '95 who has not responded mechanically (meaning that that patient needed to continue medication). That patient was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and the multi-factorial presentation likely complicated things.
Someone's always trying to sell something, but in this case, I'm simply not. I'm here for you if you need me (that is, to the best of my ability in an online forum).

Take care,

Jeff Turner, PT, CMDT