Friday, July 28, 2006


I can't even sleep a whole night any more without waking up in pain. The last 2 nights I've been up before 4 am with this wonderful throbbing that drives me right to the medicine cupboard.

Stupid me...I thought the 24 hours a day, 7 days a week was all it was going to be. I hadn't figured on it getting worse. I kept thinking, in my smart old RN brain, that I wasn't going to be one of "those people" who got dependent on pain meds.

Now all I do is count my pills and make sure I have enough to last till the next appointment, and pray to God that when I run out, which I will, that they'll give me a refill again.

The Vicodin isn't doing what it used to do. I don't know if I've built up a tolerance or if the pain is more severe...wait, yes, I do know. My pain rarely goes below a 4 any more. When this all started, it was sitting at a 2 or 3 most of the time and 30 Vicodin lasted me almost 4 months. Now I'm hurting enough that 30 won't last 2 weeks.

My poor hubby is beyond himself. He's trying to understand...he keeps getting the ATN mixed up with the killing migraines I used to have, and I guess we need to talk again so I can explain that the flare-ups aren't migraines, or at least most of the time they aren't...they're just - hell - flare-ups. I can tell he's worried sick about me. I wish I could make both of us feel better.

Now I'm fielding phone calls from bill collectors; since our income went in the toilet, I had to have the cell phones shut off, and the fines they impose for early termination have left us with a bill of over a grand, and they want it NOW. They don't want to take what I can send when I can send it, and I ended up hanging up on them twice last night. I cannot guarantee them any certain amount a month. I send what I can when I can. Last month it was $65, this month it may be $50. They can't be happy about that.
The hospital hubby had his emergency appy at wants their $735 NOW, too. We applied for financial assistance for that and the files reflect they got the papers...however, while we're waiting for it to be processed, they sent it on to collections, too. I yelled at them the other day. I told them it's ludicrous to treat people like that and not even let them know what's going on. If they deny us, fine...they'll get the money when we have it, like the cell phone people.
I'm sorry...the mortgage, utilities, and transportation-related expenses come first. Hubby has to have the van to get to work. We also have to eat. My car sits in the garage waiting for someone to buy it either for parts or so they can rebuild the transmission. We don't have $2500 we can pull out of the air to have it fixed. I'm doing the best I can.

I keep trying to remember that, according to the Social Security people, I'm only impaired, not disabled...

Yeah right.

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